A Pilgrim in the Windstorm

Art from the broken

2011-12-05T11:49:00.001-05:00

So many hopeless, and I had no idea the breadth. The number who count their lives as extinguishable and I fear this is not what Jesus meant when He talked about loving and hating our own lives. We are monumentally missing the flame that cannot be extinguished.

Because we make our lives our own (which is a deception), we are trading the truth (which is that God is love) for a lie (which is that God is not good).
How can we be ministers of reconciliation to the despairing? I watch a friend refuse over again the walking with part of life, and I know what this is like...a struggle, a wrestling with...Can I pray, knowing how Jacob's story ends, LORD of hosts put my hip out of place that I might have no other choice but to depend on you after I have held my ground for so long through the night?
So many would-be examples to imitate are keeping their distance for what reason?
To give us our space??? We don't need our space. We need you to break into our lives and ask the hard questions, demand a reply. We need you to ask us for that drink of water when you have the fountain within you ungrieved.
We don't seek you out because of so many reasons...maybe we don't want to bother you or make someone else look upon something wretched because when you're in it, it's hard to see that broken can be beautiful. It's not the broken alone that is art...it is the broken restored and brought into the light shadows and all...and the Lord made the heavens, great Artist...and you, his priesthood, have a glorious ministry with Him as he beautifies the new temple.
Look at our ugliness and darkness and still see the fingerprint of God on us and we will shine still. And not like a curiosity but as real flesh and blood and spirit. He makes dust sing!
Shepherd our hope when we cannot own our own hope.
Pray for us, take roof tiles out and lay us at the feet of Jesus.
Lord, let me shine like that. Let me wear this robe...confident in the name of Jesus and by the power of your Holy Spirit.

On Advent...

2011-11-28T01:47:00.001-05:00

Advent began today (well, technically yesterday...but I'm writing this a little late...of course I wouldn't be writing it at all except for the ringing phone which awoke me shortly before midnight...and I'm still up so might as well make something good out of it).

I know that not all of us continue to hold onto many of thetraditions of those that have gone before (and some that still walk alongside).But as I have worshiped Jesus with Anglicans and Wesleyans, Calvinists,Arminians, Catholic nuns, charismatics, Presbyterians and Baptists, and somewho would refuse any name but simply ‘christian’ I’ve found some of thetraditions of these to be a wonderful means of worship (or invitation toworship). The barometer is, of course,the heart. Ritual for ritual’s sake can be trouble. I encourage you, if you choose to take part in tradition because that iswhat you always do, to examine your heart. If Jesus isn’t really a true part of what you’re doing, trade yourtradition for the true and living Christ and come awake.

This year, I celebrate Advent…which I assure you is notsolely about little pieces of chocolate or cheap plastic toys hidden behind alittle door of an “Advent Calendar” as many of my friends have thought. Rather, it is an intentional welcoming andexpectant hope of Christ’s arrival. Those who preceded Christ’s birth into the world had the expectation of the long-awaited Messiah, while we who liveafter (and because of) his resurrection, have hope that He, the Savior, will comeagain. We hope and maintain that Hisredemption is at work, even now…preparing our hearts and the world for Hisreturn.

The resources below are suitable forindividual and family. I would of courseencourage you to celebrate with your children and spouse if you’re a family.You may leave an indelible taste for hope in your children for the lifetimethey have ahead of them.

[I found these resources through @NoelPiper on twitter, but was reminded of Advent and clued into its deeper meaning through Ann Voskamp's blog (www.aholyexperience.com)].

I love that the introduction passage to this Advent resource(http://www.thevillagechurch.net/mediafiles/advent-guide.pdf) hails from the same passage ofscripture that our guest speaker Colby Garmin (Pillar Church) shared from this morning in 1 Peter 1.

Here’s another Advent resource from the Navigators: http://www.navpress.com/images/pdfs/9781576839485.pdf.

For anyone who sometimes struggles with the holidays, whofinds it difficult to sustain hope and gratitude and joy, perhaps you will joinus Advent-observers and participants this year.

I’mforgoing the candles, acknowledging that they are a wisp or shadow of the thingthey are meant to represent anyway…If you choose to celebrate with candles,please take precautions to burn them and extinguish them safely.

In Him.

Lessons (being) Learned

2011-06-21T01:15:00.000-04:00

We are big on “learning the lesson” out of our difficult situations…It’s part of the self-sufficiency we acquire as birthright in our culture. We even have clichés that magnify this. How often does one hear the brave words, “What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger”?

The biblical way seems to speak something different, or at least richer and more faceted of difficult situations, troubles, trials, pain. Certainly, God uses discipline to refine us and to bring about heart and behavior change, and certainly the comfort reminds us of the faithfulness and supremacy of God in Christ Jesus. And we are certainly better for having been comforted, healed, changed.

Psalm 119:50

(NASB) This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life.

(ESV) This is my comfort in my affliction, that Your word has revived me.

But consider this also:

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. [2Cor1:3-5]

It (our comfort, having been comforted and our healing, having been healed) is a gift to share. It is hope-giving. And it whispers, sings, shouts the glory of God. Amen.

On Prayer and Freedom

2011-06-14T21:40:00.000-04:00

Something broke loose. Went unbounded and free, somewhere between ‘give us this day our daily bread’ and ‘forgive us our debts’ a light clicked on and darkness fled, though certainly it was fleeing all along. I can’t point only to these moments for the Word of God is working even when don’t see it at work like seeds left overnight to grow-- and the Spirit is like the wind, you don’t see it but you see and feel its results.

The first hour was shared and reserved…quiet contemplation and quiet prayer and a tentative bowing before the King. As if it were fragile, as if God were a thing on a shelf, to be beheld through glass. I was sick that night, and my body -- this flesh -- protested my presence in such a set-apart place as that. It is not a thing to take lightly – this standing before, this walking into the presence of a holy God. It is enough to make the body tremble.

On the drive home later that morning after the hour had closed, a bald eagle, a great blue heron, a taste of grace, rising sun aglow -- red ember in ashen sky. It was not lost on me that the birds, though they have the gift of flight, are considered unclean by Levitical standards…and it vexed me as I wondered over and over again, why this image, birds glorious and beautiful and favored as they are in my mind’s eye would cause me such angst of heart.

The second hours in that consecrated room were shared days later with other three other young women who glow with the beauty of Christ, offering praises and confessions and supplications – intercession abounding for the peoples, the nations, the oppressed, the poor, the forgotten, the abused. I wanted to gather others with me to ask God on behalf of the ones I love and for whom I am heavy-hearted. On some level, I think I feared that God wouldn’t hear the prayer if it were just me beseeching with divided heart (grace was shrouded in my soul at that moment). But, I was encouraged, because together, we cried out for the laborers and for the peoples. We cried for God to step into the dark places and bring freedom and healing to the broken and lost. It is a tremendous thing to gather together in agreement for the glory of God in the name of Jesus for His purposes and for His creation and I know for certain that Christ was among us.

The third hours were alone two days later. Only the first of these hours was supposed to be solo, but the solitude was extended for God’s purposes. He had some chiseling and shaping to do on this piece of clay. In these early hours, there was an unveiling, that Christ’s sacrifice satisfies and completes the requirement for the intentional and the unintentional short-falling. In this room, from a small bench, Hebrews was speaking mysteries from the pages of scripture. The sacrifices of old were for intentional sin and for unintentional uncleanness, even that for which we are unaware. And the eagle and heron with blood red sun in ashen sky made sense. Mercy unbounded. Grace poured over and out like a waterfall and pooled about my feet. My left foot, barely resting on the mat grabbed hold of repentance, and repentance took hold of me.

The time I had spent that morning simply meditating on, praising, hallowing, lifting up and exalting the Name, and desiring His kingdom come and His will be done on earth as in heaven, had sunk deep into my soul revealing to me that God is able, and that I am not. That God is worthy and I am not except that He clothes me in the righteousness of Christ – and this not my own doing. It struck me forcefully, urging me to lay myself before Him, that He is indeed everything that He says He is…by the inspired Word and by the global revelation of His divine nature and eternal power. He, this same God who created the heavens and the earth and breathes spirit and life into flesh, fights on behalf of the vulnerable and crushed in spirit and the weak and the weary. And I was weary…weary, because I had been fighting my own battles, afraid of being vulnerable and mistreated, unable to love deeply and unable to be loved deeply because I was consumed with what I didn’t possess. And I was vulnerable, because I hadn’t been claiming Him as my shield and protection. And weak, because I wasn’t finding my strength in Him but instead was depending on self.

And the revelation has power not because it makes me feel better and loved, but because it is FREEDOM. That God is my protector, my advocate, my peace – that my life is hidden in Christ, means I can be vulnerable to love and to give and to serve without concern for self (O, that I would truly grasp this). It means I can rest from fighting so hard and getting nowhere.This is the release from self that is bigger than self. It’s not about me.

Of course, I, like most of the human race, have a short memory and I know I’m bound to find myself there again if I don’t daily acknowledge Him and offer myself up. I’m no better than the beloved people whom Moses led out of the wilderness and Joshua into the promised land who forgot the power of the mighty hand of God within such a short time (Moses was on that mountain for less than forty days and they shaped for themselves a forbidden thing – Forty days is a long time) These places we don’t come to in one fell swoop, but moment by moment and day by day as we choose one response over another, as we make choices to the left and to the right of His perfectly centered path.

But the rushing in of the spirit and the water and the cleansing is so powerful and mighty that it seems like a sudden overtaking. Grace and peace and love and mercy and goodness and richness beyond comprehension. I am overwhelmed by the Spirit changing this coldness, warming it by the fire of His Spirit, making the hardened spaces of my heart flesh again. Over and over again, He has proven His faithfulness to those who would dare to call Him LORD. May I, may We, not keep it to ourselves. Amen.

Contemplating Life's Anniversaries

2011-06-12T01:06:00.000-04:00

I'm contemplating life's anniversaries - the devastating ones and the beautiful hopeful ones. My parents church just celebrated 32 years and I listened to song and story after story of God's provision and love....Glory to God.

I've been thinking about my wise friend who will certainly be grieving and celebrating a dear life that moved from this side of heaven to the other just one year ago. My friend doesn't know this, but I have been praying (along with so many others I'm sure) for the Lord to bolster and comfort and bring peace as he [and by extension, they] walk day by day and moment by moment through this life which must now seem painted so differently in the play of light and shadow that must accompany such a loss.

I'm also thinking about a hopeful anniversary in my own life - my wise friend played a part in encouraging me to take a leap of faith and embrace life...It must have been around this time eight years ago in 2003 that I set off on an Amtrak...a pilgrimage which would take me from East Coast to Midwest to West Coast and back again, but would imprint upon my senses and reveal a great deal about hope, about the Creator, about the tension and struggle between darkness and Light.

Each stop along the way contained a significance, each place a significance, each person, significant from visiting family members (and honorary family members), to making the acquaintance of wonderful word-crafters (under the tutelage of Jim Heynen) at the Split Rock Arts Festival (at the time held in Duluth, MN). That year, my 4th of July was spent atop the steps of St. Paul's Cathedral in the Twin Cities, cellphone piping in the voices of friends and family, fireworks bursting forth, panoramic in towns from east to west, north to south across the horizon.

There was a stop through a hermitage where I paused to remember prayer and words memorized in childhood came flooding back as I walked the grassy fields and watched sunsets set ablaze over 10,000 lakes. In this same journey a trip to the Dakota monastery where I tasted rhubarb for the first time, walked with the llamas, and worshipped with nuns who had pledged their lives and purity to service and the rule of Saint Benedict.

From there, a stop through a big city (Chicago) where I experienced a heart-crack that would send me reeling into the next big city (this time, Montreal) where I experienced dreadful broken fellowship followed by unrelenting grace. The LORD pursues. He loves and satisfies and pursues broken junked-up people. And He comforts those who mourn. He comforts those who mourn.

Praying for you, my friends, now suffering. May the Lord make Himself known to you in greater ways than you've ever known before as He comforts, carries, and walks with you.

breaking silence?

2010-11-18T23:19:00.000-05:00

I thought for a moment (a long drawn-out moment that lasted for too many months) that I had run out of things to say. There is nothing new under the sun and certainly it's all been said before. But the part I failed to remember was that it hadn't been said with this gift of a voice for this gift of a moment. And perhaps this gift of moment and this gift of voice were prepared for such utterances as these.

It is not for me to lay everything of me, of my soul, of my struggles and successes, at the feet of anyone who happens upon these few words, but rather to lay them all at the feet of Jesus. The redeeming, restoring Word. The One word capable of taking my silences and making them whole, full-bodied, rich, by filling them up instead with Himself. The Word that became flesh that I in my flesh might come alive.

So about this pervasive and death-defying weakness I've got...

2010-04-27T16:54:00.000-04:00

So about this pervasive and death-defying weakness I've got...

This morning the accusation was, "You are weak".  It was a statement of assault against the delusion of my own fortitude.  Not that there was a particular occasion or failure that brought this to mind, but Satan is crafty and his minions impish, niggling about this flaw and that (as if our own hearts don't condemn us enough already)...

But the Word of God is sharper than any two-edged sword....

...The sword of the Spirit, that is the Word of God,  is greater than any craftiness of the enemy...for by it..by HIM were all things made. Ultimate. Creator.

So, I shot back with this truth-grenade brought to mind and put on my lips by the Spirit -- for Jesus Himself said, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness."

...and so hope takes over...

Here I get to admit, yep guilty as charged: I am indeed weak.  BUT, the story (or better yet the confession) doesn't end there.

Hope rising....

The Arm, the Horn of Salvation, the steel-Himself-toward-Jerusalem-and-the-cross Jesus who washes me with His own blood, that awesome and powerful and holy God...Yes, He who makes dead things live again, brings them from death into new life...Yes, this very same God is MY strength.  It doesn't matter that I am weak.  HE is strong.

(He is my portion and the strength of my heart forever and ever, Amen).

Yes, but does it pour?

2010-03-14T01:28:00.000-05:00

...thoughts on (pottery) wheels and (kiln) fire

I had the distinct honor of studying the art and craft of pottery for a college semester from an instructor who lived and breathed clay, experimenting with fire and ‘salt’ and glazes and pigments and function, form and beauty (her work can be found here http://www.juliagalloway.com/). I think back to that class often, sometimes because pieces I created and fired in that class, painstakingly checking on the kilns and cones during my shifts, are still around me, and that was such a bright grace-filled time in my life [even though at the time I wasn’t walking with Jesus I can see common grace upon reflection]…

And then there’s the beautiful pitcher she gave me (a perfectly wheel-thrown and altered piece, cast-off because the glaze or kiln had misbehaved during firing) with the commandment – you must USE it. Due to a couple of relocations, spring-cleanings and other rearrangements, I haven’t seen the pitcher in a year though I sometimes go searching for it . I miss it for a couple of reasons, though… One is the object and life lesson and two is that water tastes so good out of it, cooler even when it has sat at “room temperature” for a time (or so it seems). Something about clay does that… Then, I think of the effectiveness of the clay filter for my water in Southeast Asia…how simply allowing it to drip slowly through half an inch or so of clay was enough to remove harmful impurities… Clay is just simply really cool [pun half-intended].

Anyhow… one of the quotes that has stuck with me, sometimes echoing in my mind from that pottery class is, “Does it pour?”. Because the thing is, you can have the most amazingly beautiful piece of clay and call it a pitcher, but if it doesn’t fulfill its purpose as a pitcher, what can be made of it? It may still be a vessel of sorts, but that vessel isn’t fulfilled or very useful and its glory is eclipsed…it will simply just sit there while its contents stagnate.

Clay is really pretty much just dirt…but when you subject it to a crafter’s hands and then to extreme heat, it becomes something so much more…

…“For we do not preach ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake. For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. “ 2Cor4

riding into the sunrise

2010-02-15T16:48:00.000-05:00

How come we talk about riding into the sunset but we don't talk about riding into the sunrise, as if inclined toward increasing light? (...pictured but not tagged is the sunrise this morning on my drive back from carolina)

Living the dream?

2010-01-18T17:21:00.000-05:00

I watched people cleaning up trash from the edges of the Potomac River today and smiled to think that the trashed-up place where I had stood moments before would perhaps be clean by day's end. I also thought to myself, how is this about King Jr.'s legacy? It was the judgmental in me...because there is always something redeeming about people "altruistically" giving of themselves for a worthwhile cause (okay, yes, our righteousness is as filthy rags...and without love we are all clanging cymbals, but still...).

But, there is also a very specific vision toward which Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. was leading people.
It has to do with reconciliation between people more so by far than reconciliation of earth with people. Class: Can we celebrate and fix the earth on Earth Day and work on directly serving people on MLK Jr day? Right, Earth Day is every day and MLK Jr. day is once a year. Don't worry, I love my 3-day weekends too.

King's vision wasn't for just the black and white issue. It was bigger than that. Unfortunately, it is not yet realized. no matter that there is a black president in office in a country that half a century before could only have dreamed of such a thing.

I think of the other day, when within a matter of minutes (God, that was a lonely hour) in a place that had once felt pretty safe to me, I heard two statements and witnessed a gesture that made clear to me that there will always be this gap here on this earth in this country determined by what a person looks like. It is a problem in other countries as well, from albinos getting murdered in Africa, to whitening creams, deportation of people for bogus reasons in S.E.Asia.   This is only peanuts. There are bigger problems...our social networking tools belie that we westerners are more interested in entertainment and our friends' relationship status than in the devastation in Haiti or what happened in the Philippines not that many months ago.

This ugliness is still there, even among people who are supposed to be brothers and sisters because they are counted as children of God and bride of Christ.... It's sad. I usually don't talk much about the race card because I am often in a unique place in my 'social' and 'faith' circles with regard to race and it's probably uncomfortable for both of us to be in this dialogue. I think sometimes people tip-toe around it with me, and sometimes they are just careful to guard their mouths....and sometimes they just forget that I look like I do and say and do things that they probably wouldn't if they realized a black person was amongst them.   I've forgiven, but I still wince, and I see that there is a barrier there between us, along with the rest.

I really place my hope in there being none of this wickedness in heaven -- in eternity...where I hope to see you all not with these eyes but through true eyes of love...where we are all one in Christ and where the hand doesn't hate the foot, and the big toe doesn't feel worthless because the pinky can do different things.

Brief thoughts on rainbows and tectonic plates.... Haiti, Je prie a dieu pour vous, pour votre pays, pour vos coeurs...pour le monde.

2010-01-15T00:15:00.000-05:00

I saw a rainbow in the sky today against the backdrop of scattered clouds that suggested no rain and all the blueness and sunshine of a beautiful spring day. I hear, "No, not this way" in it, like a promise.

I kept going from place to place...first to work this morning...then to an appointment...then to grab something quick to eat...then to talk and do music...and as i drove, my thoughts flitted from me, to the world, to Jesus...and back again.

How could this happen, I think to myself. Knowing a bit about geology (having flirted briefly with becoming a geology major in undergrad - long sad story) and tectonic plates is only helpful in a clinical way here given this catastrophe under which Haiti bears and the rest of the world watches, some fearing, some condescending, some having compassion, others perplexed into immobility. It's not the buildings collapsing - it's the people trapped and crushed...and the survivors. Buildings can be rebuilt. A soul lives only once. That child -- there was only one just like her, only one little brother just like him.

I am so sad for this place with so little losing so much more - and in such a sweeping way. I dare not try to speak for God in this. But I must trust that He is sovereign, even in this devastation. I cannot fathom the magnitude of this...it makes me dizzy, just as staring up at the night sky meteor shower makes me dizzy to think of Creator God beauty infinitude. I can barely fathom how one holds up under the weight of such depths of sorrow and loss and destruction (without despairing)...can barely fathom all that will follow in the aftermath. Haiti, I have been crying out to God for you. Hands and Feet of Jesus who live in Haiti (and will travel there to assist), I cry out to God also for you. Be strong and courageous and loving. Everything you do, do in love.

expecting...

2010-01-09T01:59:00.000-05:00

A response to the brief after-Christmas sadness...

The Christmas trees are coming down in our house, ornaments wrapped and sorted and put away in storage for the next 330 days or so. There will be a space left in the Family Room where our family tree is yearly raised (with salt dough ornaments we made as kids, and sentimental markers - yearly ornaments that mark the year's most significant events, gifts from friends and patients, colleagues and teachers and students; from children we babysat and real-estate agents who were like family; - collected over the many years). There will be two stories of echoing space in the living room where the beautiful tree - my dad's masterpiece trimmed with angels and ribbons and glass ornaments and light (and the angel topper who moves and reminds us all of one of Mom's best friends who is no longer with us on this earth) gets place of honor for a month every year.

Twice today I heard expressed a sadness or loss about taking down the Christmas trees and decorations and it struck me as peculiar only because it has never felt like that to me before. I can see, though, as I start to consider it from another's perspective, why it would feel empty or sad. We take the glitter out and replace it with what will be mundane for the next 10 or 11 months. We take down the glowing reminder of fireplace feasts and stockings hung and the look of delight upon opening that gift...the day when it is excusable to lounge around in jammies eating mom's cherry coffeecake and thinking about abundance. Yes, this is like loss...Except that our lives are really lived out in the day-to-day, punctuated if we have the means, by holidays and large feasts and celebrations. But there is glitter - shimmering hope and rays of light - in the day-to-day. The God-with-us Immanuel celebrations must continue throughout the year (even in small ways) so that our hearts can be even more full of the knowledge of the goodness and glory of God today and when Christmas next comes around.

I wonder if that feeling of taking the tree down that I have heard from people this year is what the Disciples felt like after the crucifixion and before Jesus showed himself resurrected. I wonder if they felt a let down, an emptiness, a what-do-we-do-now kind of thing. Where did you go, Savior? I wonder about that time between the resurrection and the pouring out of His spirit, how they felt, what they were thinking... Oh we wait, LORD. How we wait for you. And how amazing it would have been to be amongst the believers at first Pentecost.

Next Christmas season, I want to celebrate Advent - the expectant waiting. Of course, there is something delightful about opening up a window or door on an Advent calendar every day for a few weeks and finding the surprise inside. I mean, how swell it was as a child to get a piece of chocolate, or a toy, or a sticker at every evening's unveiling. And how meaningful to light another candle each week to mark the days and weeks until Christmas Day. But this is not why I want to observe this period of hopeful day-marking. I want to do this because I want -- rather, I need -- to long for God-with-Us the way I have longed for others and other things during this season - during this time of my life. (Hebrews 13:5,6)

May the space where your Christmas tree stood, where the blanket-warmth scent of cinnamon and vanilla and ginger and all things Christmas lingered, now be filled daily with a knowledge of your need for Him, your longing for Him, the space you will make for Him this year and His very Immanuel presence in You.

Gratitude...

2010-01-05T02:31:00.000-05:00

This Pilgrim In the Windstorm blog is going to be in transition (still posting from time-to-time) for the time being, until before me unfolds a cohesive theme and direction for future posts - please bear with me....I have some ideas in the pressure cooker, but they're not yet tender. Ultimately, I want what I do and say here to bring glory to God and to not keep pointing back to myself - how do we do this? I have a few things to learn...

In the meantime....until I hit that stride (and then some), I've begun a new online gratitude journal for the purposes of lifting my mind toward blessings and gifts and everyday graces and more importantly to the Provider of these gifts and graces...(you're welcome to share in tasting them as I post them - there should be a feed to the side of this post which will give you a tiny nibble, but the direct link is 1,000 Confessions of Gratitude). You may smile at a couple, wince at a few, relate to some more, and not get others, but they are here if you so choose to partake... Better yet, make your own (check out Ann Voskamp's blog, A Holy Experience) and send me the link so I can rejoice with you. I also plan to post an occasional link to things others have said, or newsbits I find interesting... just warning that this blog has the potential (but is not guaranteed) to become rather eclectic at times...

Anyway, I am doing this gratitude journal because even though the past 12 or so months of my life have been filled with amazing things - experiences, blessings, insights, glimpses of glory, little and not-so-little miracles - I sometimes get bogged down in earthly things - thoughts, dreams, desires, wants and wishes, some fulfilled, others hopelessly and painfully denied. And earthly things can lift our minds to God, but we can also become enamored of them and hold them before ourselves as idols. I submit that I get bogged down in earthly things because I am, after all, but dust.

These months have been about transition and perspective shifts...In a period of a short few months, several of my long-time friendships and other closer relationships have shifted - given to marriage and dating and office-things and loyalty shifts and priority changes... Some of these shifts I saw coming, others I didn't anticipate and still cannot quite understand and suspect (translation: know in my heart) that I have missed something essential and potentially damning - where I have failed to nurture or to respond or to "be there" or some other unwritten but impassable rule...or where others have lacked the sensitivity they were trusted or assumed to have. I have also shifted - seen things and experienced things that have forever changed me...if I pretend to be the same person I was 12 months ago, I fool myself and create ridiculous rifts.

All of this has shifting of the tectonic plates of our existences have left me considering and rethinking questions and definitions of community and what it is to lean on God and what it is to share and carry the burdens of one another if we are part of the church (meaning, of course, the universal body of Christ). What is it to be joyful in all circumstances? What is it to rejoice with one another? What is it to consider others more important than ourselves, and what is it to value so that we might love others as we love ourselves? Where is the fitting? I know I'm not alone in these shifts and questions and longings...

I would offer an apology, but a writer is prone to moments of melancholy and pensiveness and dare I say angst as one who visits other lands may be prone on occasion to wanderlust, and to ask questions about the culture with which she or he is 'most' familiar. As one who claims to follow Jesus and knows there is a home in glory awaiting us, questions or dialogue about what we call our home will and should naturally arise.

feel free to join me in this windstorm for awhile...

peace
mel

Welcome 2010

2009-12-31T23:44:00.002-05:00

Happy New Year...

Yep...what she said

2009-12-26T20:40:00.001-05:00

Enjoy reading...

http://www.incourage.me/2009/12/what-spending-christmas-in-a-barn-taught-me.html

merry christmas

2009-12-25T09:39:00.000-05:00

horizon

2009-12-14T17:25:00.000-05:00

As beautiful as the sunset is, it draws my eyes only to the horizon...and glorious as that line between earth and sky may be on this very evening, it is still only as lofty as it was created to be. Eternal, though, is Your Word. Your Love, Your Name, Your Faithfulness, YOU are higher than I can comprehend. Lift my eyes to these heights then, O Lord, lest they see this temporal reflection and be satisfied.

...

2009-12-14T00:25:00.000-05:00

Praise the Lord!
For it is good to sing praises to our God;
For it is pleasant and praise is beautiful.
(thus begins Ps. 147)

Reflections One Year Later

2009-11-23T21:45:00.000-05:00

It's been one year this week since Thanksgiving and the peculiar elevator incident. Here are just a few thoughts and observations that have been going through my mind about the year in passing. This post isn't like a story plot with a beginning and a denouement...and an end. Sometimes, a girl just needs to put these things down in black and white as a memorial, a monument, a cairn.

Since the year has passed, I still have yet to ride the elevators in my office building again, but I've been up to the Observation Deck of the Sears Tower (or building formerly named Sears Tower) and its 100 odd floors to witness my brother's proposal to his now wife (and that was a good elevator incident).
I've since learned the name of the beautiful lady who cleans the building (she was one who stood outside the elevator asking if I was okay). I've since found out that she is a beautiful sister-in-Christ who is also a missionary and a prayer warrior and a mother of a girl with my name (and a few other kids too). She has such a light about her countenance and a joy evident about her and I love to talk with her.

I'm still thinking I haven't loved well. I want to love like Jesus loved, whether friends or family, strangers, acquaintances, enemies. How long, O Lord?

How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him. ²Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when he appears,we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is. ³Everyone who has this hope in him purifies himself, just as he is pure. (I John 3:1-3)

My calculations still don't matter and God is still in control. He is sovereign even when we attempt to wrest that control from Him and get our own way. I am still dealing with procrastination and other things we read about in Proverbs, things that Wisdom says are foolishness...so, on the one hand, He knows we are but dust, but on the other...

In our low moments, sometimes our friends aren't there for us, for whatever reason. And sometimes, even if our loved ones are in proximity (either by phone call, "social media" or right there with us in the flesh), they cannot know the depths of that moment, but this compassionate Jesus knows these depths of loneliness purely. On the night Jesus was to be betrayed and handed over to his torturers, his friends were nearby at the Mount of Olive's Garden of Gethsemane sleeping, unaware of the turmoil, even though Jesus had asked them to keep vigil. Jesus knows. Jesus knows... Sometimes all I want to do is lean on another sinful person, or on some sensory thing like a beautiful song, or fill that space up with empty pursuits, instead of the righteous Jesus. Why is this? It should not be so...

I am still sorting through (shouldn't it be sorted by now?) my time in Cambodia - I think I realized I was going there within 3 months of this elevator incident, but less than a week prior to the elevator incident, I had heard and received the sending (not knowing exactly where), and had been reading some scriptures, praying, studying missions. I was compelled to make my first phone call to a sending agency (that was when I thought I was going to Montreal) just a few days prior. It's funny how one half hour in a faulty elevator car can change things. Of course, I can also point back to August of the same year when Image as a church body fasted for a month or so (during this time, mighty things were happening - some things were getting bound and others loosed and along with the corporate, church and community-wide deliverance and growth that happened, on a personal level, God used that time to make some more space in my life where idols were released, destroyed and removed). It's funny how a month can change things too. It's funny how two months or a year can change things. Or a minute or a moment...

We can't become too comfortable about where we are. Stagnancy is poison. Sometimes, in the waiting we get anxious for gods made of our own hands. Contentment is one thing. Being comfortable and complacent is another. It makes ripe soil for arrogance and pride and forgetfulness. Where do we go from there? Right back to the cross.

But..."For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God"

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. O Lord, be the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Shalom.
mel

None like Him

2009-11-23T17:17:00.000-05:00

The LORD inhabits the praises of His people...

Isaiah in the Park

2009-11-16T01:17:00.001-05:00

My afternoon in the park.... Great thing about laptops and other portable solutions (like a simple pencil and piece of paper). Means I get to study the book of Isaiah and powerpoint professors' lectures while sitting outside in God's glorious creation on an unseasonably warm day. Glad for the sunlight. Vitamin D replenished. Glad for worship this morning before the park-study. Soul food replenished.

Peace.

Fallen Leaves and Other Detritus

2009-10-30T23:15:00.000-04:00

Fall = a chance for all the detritus that's still hanging on to become detritus that is discarded, shed, released, burned off like dross from silver.

On this day, this very morning, I sat upon a blanket of moss and fallen leaves, with my ears caressed by the sound of water lapping against the riverbank. On this day, my skin was awakened by the slight nip of cold dampness in the air while my heart and eyes were opened to a truth that had become stale and unconsidered in the self-obsessed condition of my fallen nature. I had forgotten some words of that most precious tome that is life-giving and sanctifying.

I sometimes come to the woods when I seek to feel energetic, lively, peaceful, closer to God. I come to the woods to celebrate. While nature is definitely NOT God, but instead is created BY God, something about nature always reminds me that none of this is by chance. Something about being in nature seems to allow me to share some of the tender, hidden away bits and pieces of my soul a little less awkwardly...lets all my senses join in...

This morning, after a long season of forgetfulness (and the brattiness that undoubtedly tags along), Jesus put an ever so gentle reminder right there into my hands (hands which had to be emptied once again to be able to receive this reminder) about who He is and what He endured for the sake of us (even we who deny Him, spit upon Him, mock Him, wrongfully accuse Him, live like we never knew Him). It's hard to get it when we let our hearts become hardened. An undivided heart and a hardened heart are two very very very different ways of being and I'm convinced that neither is really "easy" but one of them "feels" a lot safer, at least in the here and now (though we know it is not safe at all, but rather terribly foolish).

I know I'm not quite "out of the woods" of this forgetfulness yet, but I know by faith that God has promised some very good things as He pursues me with His more-than-we-can-fathom-irresistible kind of love. I know that whatever God's got in store for me is far superior to whatever my own plans and wants (or anyone else's for that matter) could ever be.

So here's to fallen leaves and new years and remembering...and to good shepherds who don't let their little sheep stray too far.

Yep...what he said

2009-10-08T17:35:00.000-04:00

Just re-listening to a Mark Driscoll (Mars Hill Church - Seattle) talk on Proverbs where he quotes Martin Luther (of the reformation type).

Ask and examine your heart diligently, and you will find whether it cleaves to God alone or not. If you have a heart that can expect of Him nothing but what is good, especially in want and distress, and that, moreover renounces and forsakes everything that is not God, then you have the only true God. If on the contrary, it cleaves to anything else, of which it expects more good and help than of God, and does not take refuge in Him, but in adversity flees from Him, then you have an idol, another god.

...Posted for your reading and self-assessing pleasure.

Pray for...

2009-10-02T01:05:00.000-04:00

Indonesia and Samoa and South East Asia...as they deal with the earthquakes and tsunamis and flooding and aftershocks and rescue and recovery efforts.

kyrie eleison.

Brief lesson from the King's Court

2009-09-23T23:53:00.000-04:00

This evening, I had the honor and privilege of playing for the king. And I flubbed, royally. While a gracious fellow-musician friend comically suggested that I was basically just providing dissonance (which is musically acceptable), and another shared that he does the same thing from time to time (i.e. "crashes and burns"), I still couldn't help but think about it some after the damage had already been done.

Most of us musicians (at least the ones who will continue to play our instruments and use our gifts and talents) will get over making a mistake whether it's in front of another musician we wanted to impress, or whether it's in front of an audience or a crowd.... It happens - we're humans and if we don't make the mistake, our instruments at some point in time will then be the cause (whether a string breaks in the middle of a great riff, or the drum stick cracks and splits into two pieces, or maybe the cold of the air-conditioning concert hall causes our tone to be less warm and rich than how we've been practicing and playing, or the digital part of whatever newfangled thing you're using just plain goes digicrazy). It's just unavoidable. It's one of the joys of live music and live performance - anything could happen -- from having one of those synchronistically perfect moments where everybody in the band or orchestra just nails the passage and all of the rhythms and voices and dynamics for that moment nearly take your breath away --- to having one of those moments when all of a sudden the microphone and the monitor collide in the air between them and the scream of feedback deafens everybody within earshot. If we refuse to play our instruments again because of the potential for failure, then we rob ourselves and others of the propensity for an immensity of joy that would have resulted from pulling or pushing or massaging or tickling more sounds from the keys or strings or mallets or our very voices. So, we get over the embarrassment or chunk taken out of our pride...

Well, tonight I had one of those moments on the flute where I just couldn't seem to play in the right key (even though the whole song was written out in front of me - key signature included). Normally (at least on this instrument), if I can't find where I am, I can at least improvise enough to make where I am fit where the song is. But tonight it just wasn't happening. And it was because I hadn't properly prepared myself as a musician for this moment. I'd played the songs before and I was overly confident and didn't take the necessary time with them for this moment. A combination of this and the cramping sensation in my left hand and it was over with before it really even started. So, while my prayers before I went to play were that the sounds would be sweet to the ears of the intended recipient (and the spirit was willing), and that Jesus would receive glory through the music, my flesh indeed proved weak and flawed in this. Thing is, this was a performance for a king and it is simply and undeniably appropriate to play with excellence, to the best of my abilities, when summoned to bring sweet sounds before such greatness.

As I was leaving the building where we gather to lift these songs to God, and usher others into his courts and throne room, I was actually not thinking about the embarassment of playing a few wrong notes in front of the people gathered there. Instead, all I could think was how merciful is Jesus, the king of kings, in so much of life. In lesser kingdoms, a court musician, a jester, an attendant would lose their head for less and yet here is Jesus inviting me back to bring my gifts (gifts He gave me to begin with) before Him, for His glory, clay that I am. It just makes me want to play with excellence out of gratitude...to make every effort to being prepared both musically, and in my heart and spirit for the next time I come before His throne with these instruments of praise. I think this might be one of those transferrable lessons....

... I will rejoice for He has made me glad....

What do Mary Lou, Francis Chan, and a Pilgrim have in common?

2009-09-02T14:31:00.000-04:00

As a child and young teen, I was sometimes fortunate enough to take gymnastics lessons. In 1980, I watched Nadia Comaneci with wonder and in 1984 dreamed of being like Mary Lou Retton. When I lived in the midwest in a town known for its large population of Eastern Europeans (think Olga...think Bela), gymnastics was the thing for girls to do and excel at and I loved going to my Czechoslovakian (pre-1990's) gym across town to practice routines, and hours away for gymnastics meets. I love to remember the times that I could do a cartwheel or roundoff without getting dizzy and when being up on a 4" wide plank several feet off the floor didn't cause me to perspire. I never made it to the elite level with gymnastics but I still love to watch these really talented athletes hit a really good routine or nail a landing.

I saw this video on Pastor Clint Clifton's blog and thought I would pass it along also because it's both grievously and hilariously honest and poignant.

...Shalom.

Transitions...

2009-08-23T17:24:00.000-04:00

(little sister)

So, on Thursday I got on an airplane and left Cambodia, and about 36 hours later, I was "home". These two months have gone by quickly and yet it seems like it was almost a lifetime ago that I got on a plane to see a land I had previously only read, dreamed and heard about. After 2 months, I've made friends and acquaintances, learned some things, gotten used to some things and unacquainted with others. I know there are still things there to be learned and experienced...still much work to be done there and God has placed many laborers there and will hopefully raise up more laborers indeed for the great harvest that I hope comes to Kampuchea. Less than one year ago, I couldn't have imagined that this is where I would end up, and yet....

Over the past two months, I've missed my home church, my family, my friends, my local Starbucks baristas and buddies, coworkers. And now begins the time of missing the new friends and brothers and sisters in Jesus halfway around the world. It is also a time for allowing these experiences to be part of the shaping and molding that God had planned for me long ago...

So many of these new friends and acquaintances in Cambodia asked me not to forget them (some asked me not to forget their village) and I can't help but think "how could I forget you?...how could I forget your village?".

(grandmother)

2009-08-15T08:58:00.007-04:00

I took a couple of days to visit Kampong Som (Sihanoukville). It was a much needed retreat and rest for me and gave me the chance to meditate on the glory and grace of Jesus while surrounded by the pacifying ocean waters. Originally, I had planned to take a group trek to the Ream National Park here, but woke up feeling rather ill. After some sleep and some time with Jesus in prayer, by afternoon I felt much better. I rented an innertube for the next couple of hours until sunset and hung out in the ocean, thinking about how awesome God is, how gracious and holy and really merciful. I was considering how the prophets of old and even the heavenly hosts (angels) would shield their faces for fear of the glory of the Lord and I was thinking about how bold and potentially arrogant it is to insist on seeing God's glory unveiled like that. And I was thinking about how when they saw His glory, they became so much more aware of how far short they fell of His glory that they begged for His mercy.

Then, this evening, I was treated to dinner at the home of one my students. His wife cooked quite the spread of chicken wings and a beef meal in a red sauce with peanuts (somewhat like a curry, but not) with Khmer noodles, Chinese noodles, rice, and some greens and also plenty of salma/rambuton (sp?) fruit. Delicious! And very nice to spend some time meeting the rest of his family and hearing more of his story and dreams for the future.

Until next time...
Grace and peace,
mel

Flooding in the village...

2009-08-09T05:18:00.005-04:00

(From the village of my friend Bunny)

It's rainy season here. The boat is actually in the front yard of the home where this young girl lives.

I like this photo because in addition to the smiling face of the friendly girl, it includes two popular modes of transportation for the village - the boat and the bicycle. I like the juxtaposition. She will wade or swim through the water to get to her home.

I spent one night in the village of my favorite tuktuk driver and friend, Bunny, and got to meet his children and wife and mom. Recently, the tuk tuk driver has also become my english student. He says he feels badly taking my money and my education, but I think it is a fine set-up. Formula for his youngest child costs $10 a week, and $40 a month. Probably sounds like very little to most Westerners/Americans, but it is a huge amount here. Consider that I can buy a very delicious breakfast of rice, grilled pork/vegetables, and soup for 3000 riel (that is $0.75), and some people I know *carefully* live off of just under $300/month including transportation and fuel, lodging, food, and any other necessities. It makes my head spin a little to consider. And now, with the rainy season and flooding of their vegetable fields, the people will *maybe* have just enough to eat.

To the right is a photo of the W.C. and the rainwater containers. I don't know if they are considered cisterns or not... Anyway, we had to walk through the water to get from the house to the W.C. Some of the water is just from the rain, and some of the water is from the flooding of the Mekong River.

Beefy Surprises...and tough places

2009-07-26T07:03:00.005-04:00

So, the other evening after our last english club of the evening, Luke and I went searching for some food nearby. We ended up at a restaurant / bar / gathering place where the menu was all in Khmer. Of course, we hadn't quite gotten far enough in our Khmer lessons to learn all the words for the different types of food we would want to order, but there is often someone around who speaks enough English to help us order. The meal above is what we ended up with after ordering noodles with beef. Remember the commercials from the 1980's (okay, sorry to my younger friends but sometimes I have to share my age!)?

WHERE'S THE BEEF? hahahahahaha! So, while this girl is happy to eat sushi when in the States from reputable Japanese restaurants, eating fully cooked squid and octopus in another country is a bit of a mental challenge, especially when one expected to see pieces of cow on the plate instead of things with tentacles. Needless to say, I ended up thoroughly enjoying the meal and the company of both Luke and the young man who helped us with ordering our non-beef beef meal. He shared alot about Buddhism, and also about his own experiences and desires - for example a desire to go to heaven, because in hell "people eat people". He talked about some of the animism here also, which was helpful for a better understanding of how people view spirits and the spiritual realm here.

Below is the spread of food from one of my meals at my friend Sophor's home. Dried, salted fish, dried and salted and left out to dry outside of the home in a basket atop a wooden stand... Fresh cucumbers. Rice! A sweet and sour kind of spicy sauce made from a fruit I've never before seen, and a delicious curry. It was nice to share lunch with my friend and her brother.

Some of the homes near my friend's home. Most of the folks who live here in this area were burned out of the slums - their HOMES - a few years ago in a different part of town as the government wanted to make space for other development /buildings. People try to make do here, but it is a very difficult life with little hope as people believe that their past lives have somehow determined the poverty in their current lives.

It is getting dark outside so I will have to append this post at another time as I need to go home from the cafe now before it gets too late. God bless you all. Jesus is our hope.

Lately...

2009-07-22T05:21:00.003-04:00

Yeeaye (Grandma).... She wanted us to take pictures and share them with our countries so that we will remember her and so that you all will know about her and her village.

A few of the little ones from the village. The hammock is incredibly comfortable and our hosts there make certain that we try it out every time we are there!

We visited the Royal Palace on Saturday, a group of nearly ten of us...Of course, I was drawn to the traditional music being played. They invite people to join and naturally, I did not refuse.

Last week was difficult on some levels, and yet God provided comfort and encouragement. I am hoping that this was the extent of the culture shock for me where on one particular day everything unfamiliar became irritating - especially the sound of the music that nearly consistently begins at 4:30am near my lodging and the odd and pungent smells that arise both during the day and at night here. Gratefully, I have gotten much better rest over the last few days, praise God (and thanks Dad and everybody else who is praying for me to have good rest - it helps me to maintain the joyful attitude and patience!). Also, friends have reminded me about the fragrance and aroma that rises to God as we serve Jesus and make His name known.

Luke, my brother-in-Christ, arrived at the beginning of last week and it has been wonderful getting to know him, serving with him, and sharing the work here with him. He is a gentle and calm young man (from the midwest - bonus points!) and the students respond very well to him. We have ventured to try different foods together at the market and we have shared the joy of teaching children about Jesus, and encouraging believers here in their lives with Christ.

Until next time...
grace and peace.
-mel

Durian fruit, ice cream, fish and loaves of bread

2009-07-18T03:16:00.006-04:00

(totally unrelated photograph...but the post seemed like it wanted some color - this is a common site in Cambodia, although many times the sacks or other cargo aren't so neatly arranged)

Luke and I went back to one of the villages this week to teach english and share the gospel. (Luke, my teammate and brother and friend arrived at the beginning of this week after having spent the last 7 weeks in another SEAsian country doing a Summer English Program). We shared the story about Jesus feeding the 5000 with 2 fish and 5 loaves of bread, with several baskets of fish and bread leftover after everyone was fed. We talked about how Jesus loved the people and saw that they were hungry and wanted to feed them. We talked about how Jesus feeds the hearts of people who believe in Him, and how God made a way for us to live and be fed, by giving us Jesus. We can eat and be full, even if our tummies are not full. O Bread of life! Lifting it up!

Of course they really enjoyed talking about their own favorite foods. Durian (sp?) fruit was towards the top of the list. Let me just tell you, that is one food that has to grow on you - the texture and the smell are odd and even stinky, but funny thing is, it seems like one of those one could grow to love and even crave. Other foods the children liked are (go figure!) ice cream, hamburgers, pizza. I'm not sure that the children have tried the hamburgers and pizza, but there are usually ice cream vendors who drive little carts around (the carts play tunes much like the ice cream man in the truck in the USA plays music when he gets closer to where he may find customers). I will go back to that village at least one more time before leaving.

Shameless plug: The director of the school has offered that if some want to come to Kampuchea for a visit (short term or long term) and to teach english and share the good Word, he can find a place for them to stay in the village...true opportunity if anyone I know is interested :) They're lovely people here...and great opportunity to share Jesus' love.

Also this week, much time spent at the various NGO's, many meals eaten at the Toul tom Poung market (russian market) and back to Khmer language lessons. It was easier to learn languages as a younger person - haha! If i were to come back here long term, I would want to follow the pattern of many who serve cross-culturally. A year for really gaining language skills, then focus on serving (perhaps outside of the city). People raise goats here too!!!. The idea of living here should disturb me, especially considering that yesterday I ate several berries at least one of which appears to have had worms (not just yuck, but a little frightening on some level), but it's not really disturbing to me. Back to the worms... It's funny, because i was listening to a Mark Driscoll message where he talks about how irritating it is to him for people to pray "let this food be nourishing to our bodies", because of course it will be nourishing unless it's consistently junk food. And while, I might agree on that point, I have to disagree on another level - While worms may have nutrients like protein, they also have the potential to rob one's body, parasitically, of what one's body needs. So, I think I will continue to pray that the food God provides me will be nourishing, a blessing, and not a curse. By the way, the beef here (when it's not all gristle like last night's meal) is very tasty. It would be nice if there weren't so many chemicals and hormones added to American beef. It would taste so much better.

Siem Reap and the Wats

2009-07-15T19:56:00.003-04:00

The snack on the bus ride from Siem Reap back to P.P.: Grilled Bananas and sticky rice, wrapped in banana leaf. Delicious. Boldly purchased from a street vendor. Boldly consumed.

My lovely friend Chanleap. She showed me around the Wats and Siem Reap. (She is also one of my students at one of the projects).

At the Cambodian Heritage Museum... They have performances during the day into the early evening featuring traditional dance and music from throughout the Cambodian provinces. They are very talented performers...Gymnastics, dialogue, singing, acrobatics, drama.

A young man washes in the water at Angkor Wat temple.

One of the most famous spots at Ta Prohm (sp?), one of the other Wats near Angkor Wat. Check out how deep and wide the roots are as you see me standing in front of them. Look, Ma - I'm wearing a hat ;). The trees have really taken over the temple and in some places have caused stones to tumble. It's a pretty surreal place. People offer sacrifices, burn incense, and bow to Buddha here.

The Village, a Meal, and a Dwelling

2009-07-08T02:56:00.006-04:00

The children and their colorings (two lefties in the group!!!) of the Good Shepherd who searches for the one lost sheep.

View from the boat. A few cows and someone's home.

Another boat, just like the one in which we are traveling. See the steep riverbank? A little girl from the village fell and broke her leg near here sometime before we arrived. They put a cast on her made from bamboo/wood to set it. Before we left the village, we prayed for her. We will see how she is healing when we return in another week or so.

On the boat to get to the village (Sunday morning). The boy closest to the camera is the son of my friends. The two other boys are from the village and happily met us to bring us down to the the riverside. I think they had been waiting for us expectantly for awhile.

Some noodles I ate the other day. Delicious meal. The iced tea was really good too, except that I lost faith that the water used to make the ice was pure/clean. So I stopped drinking it after about 3 sips. Delicious meal, though.

Where I live. Top floor, right half of the building. The Australian family lives downstairs on the main 2 floors (which I think are also split level?). When I arrived Emily was sweet to give me cookies :)

We have chingcha's (spelling???) and geckos that like to share the dwelling space and that sing in the night.

There is barbed wire and concertina wire that surrounds the houses here. Others have broken bottle shards embedded into the walls for security purposes. Others have dogs which alert them to the possible presence of intruders. Except for one bad night, I have felt quite secure in this dwelling.

A very different 4th of July...

2009-07-04T06:00:00.011-04:00

Today, I visited Toul Sleng, otherwise known as S-21. Toul Sleng was a school that was overtaken by Pol Pot and his regime for the purposes of torture and killing. I am still processing what I observed and felt and sensed there. From room after room filled with torture devices, photographs of the victims, paintings of what happened as recounted by one of very few survivors, to blood stains which still mark the floors years later, there is an overwhelming understanding that this is a very heavy place. It is heartbreaking, and infuriating, and confounding all at once. The photo above is from the grounds - one interjection of beauty in an otherwise not-beautiful place. The other photos I took may require more explanation and are more graphic than I'd like to post today. Like I said, I'm still processing...

On another note....

...But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us...

This morning's coffee shop. Specialty - a Vietnamese drink, Coffee with Milk with water with ice. Very delicious and satisfying. Y'all know how I love my coffee. This coffeeshop, Jars of Clay, is a beautiful place which in its very existence seeks to be a place of restoration and dignity. I enjoyed my coffee and pastry with a sister and friend who also accompanied me to Toul Sleng and shared some insights with me there.

Rainy season, Friday night's sky. Beautiful. They say, however, that it only rains in Phnom Penh, and not in the provinces where the farmers really do need the rain. Tomorrow morning (Sunday), I will go visit another province for something that might resemble a Sunday school.

You heavens above, rain down righteousness; let the clouds shower it down. Let the earth open wide, let salvation spring up, let righteousness grow with it; I, the LORD, have created it.

This is a common fruit here (can't remember if I've already shared this photo or not, so sorry if I have). Anyway, it is delicious and refreshing. I don't know if we ever see them in the States, even at ethnic markets or grocers....Here, they often serve them after meals as dessert here at many of the restaurants. Basically, you split and tear the outside, and the fruit is inside - it also has a pit.

Speaking of food, today I ate Indonesian beef curry for lunch with rice and passionfruit juice. $3.00 and served with love. Can't beat that!

Speaking of Indonesian....Thursday evening, I went to the Indonesian embassy for performances by some Khmer students who have been learning Indonesian culture and language. Their teacher is one of the team here. This city is a very international place with many people emigrating and migrating and vacationing and working here in Phnom Penh from Australia, New Zealand, Scandinavia, the UK, the States, the Philippines, Malaysia, and other SE Asian Countries (sorry about the quality of the photo).

While there, I met some other missionaries who are here for the purposes of working against the injustices of human trafficking, particularly that which is directed against women and girls. I accepted an invitation to intercessory prayer next week that occurs here, in country, at one of the NGO offices. I am honored to take part in crying out to God, in concert with other believers here for justice, for healing for these beautiful, but broken children and women, for dignity, for an end to this practice and for the victims to know the love and joy and peace and goodness and kindness of Jesus.

Thanks again to my friends and family and coworkers for your prayers and for such great send-offs. There is lots of work to be done here, any who wish to co-labor here. I know of the need for an English teacher, one year committment. If you're interested, please let me know and I will pass your interest along.

Grace and Peace.

Jetlag lifting...

2009-06-30T00:33:00.003-04:00

I had fairly serious jetlag upon my arrival here, waking up at about 1am local time and struggling to get back to sleep. The first night I was here, I had much confusion about the local time; that, added to the confusion brought about by an incorrectly set wristwatch and my Palm still being set on Taipei time. It turns out the roosters begin crowing either at 3am or 4am. Then the dance or exercise class just down the street begins at either 4am or 5am. Then the bread peddlers make their rounds. Imagine waking up to the Phil Collins-ish (or is it Genesis?) song, One More Night while surrounded by the smells of incense and trash burning, in the middle of the night. Surreal, to say the least. It is very loud here, unlike the Taipei airport (lol), although I have a fondness for waking up earlier than the exercise class so that I may pray and study and marinate in the Word without so many audible, external distractions. I'm trying to study Isaiah, but also spending time in the Gospel of John. It has been interesting adjusting to the time difference, although the last two nights, I have slept pretty well. My day starts at 8am as far as english clubs are concerned and ends at about 7:30pm. However, I also have a good sized block of time during the days for other things such as cultural excursions and spending time with new friends.

Long sidenote on the Gospel of John - Just a few weeks ago, I came to the conclusion that i had been spending a lot of time in the Epistles (or letters of the Bible such as Colossians, Romans, Philippians, I&II Peter) and the Psalms but little time in the Gospels. I felt like I was learning much about righteous living and holy living and hope and many things, and yet missing out on deepening the relationship with my first love. You know... gaining lots of knowledge, but wanting more than that. It doesn't amount to much without the Jesus factor and the heart-factor...the ABIDING IN HIM factor. Think Isaiah 1, where God, through the prophet, tells Judah that he can't abide anymore of their sacrifices and empty rituals from unclean hands...but then what GRACE!!! God comes right back and tells them - "Come let us reason together" because He has made the way for a beautiful and unbroken relationship---"Though your sins be as scarlet..." Before I left the States over the last several weeks, abounding were reminders for how essential and foremost the relationship with Jesus is (and abounding still) seemingly from every direction. So, my heart wanted to be closer to Jesus and it was past time to get back into reading and meditating on the accounts of his time walking this earth. When I mentioned this decision to get back into the gospel of John, James (my team leader) was quick to utter that it is no accident that I should be drawn in particular to that gospel at this time in the trip. I am seeing more and more of God's sovereignty and concern for even the tiniest of details here in this place. The people we are ministering to and with tend to be very relational, community-focused people in a way that is somewhat unfamiliar to many westerners ...and so, James was encouraging another team in Asia (some of whom I met while in Charlotte at the orientation session months ago) to dig into the gospel of John as well, particularly because it has such a relational focus. It is cool to be on the same page with the dispersed team of believers, even though I am in a different location.

Just wanted to reiterate, thanks to everyone who is supporting and praying for me while I'm here.

Grace and Peace,
Mel

On hunger and being filled...Small bits from week 1

2009-06-28T04:16:00.014-04:00

....This is where I hang my shoes. Abby helped me get me ready for this practice back in 2003! My living arrangements are more than I could have asked for or imagined.

This picture is from the feeding program which we served in during our first couple of days here. The children come in either before or after school, depending on if they go to school during the morning or afternoon (sort of like am/pm kindergarten). Because they were told that there would be foreigners visiting, many more students showed up than normal. We thought that there wouldn't be enough food to serve every child, but the ladies kept coming back out of the kitchen with just one more spoonful. I kept thinking about the feeding of the 5,000... The last three or four children didn't get a banana, but we gave them noodles instead which they could take with them. Otherwise, there was plenty of food and water to go around. We also got to share the gospel with these children. I shared about parable of the lost coin, the lost sheep along with a portion of my testimony, Joy shared her testimony and Jessie shared the Parable of the Good Samaritan, with dramatics. Of course, we had a translator because these children only speak a very little bit of English.
This picture on the left is from teaching English in a school out in one of the provinces / the countryside. Many of the buildings throughout the countryside are built on stilts. Living occurs upstairs, while dining will occur below the structure, where it is much cooler. Here the children are buying fruits for lunch from some ladies who come to the school and sell the fruits at lunchtime and during the breaks. The young lady to the left of the photo is Jessie, one of the American teammates. She is a lovely, generous young lady with a servants heart and a gift for teaching.

It gets very hot upstairs in the classrooms, with no electricity or fans, or air conditioning. But the children are very attentive and bright and love their teachers. They are hungry to learn! Later, I will return to the school to teach English using the gospel as foundation so that the hunger that only Jesus (the Bread of Life) can fill will be met in these beautiful children. The school is nearly an hour's drive outside of the city by Tuk Tuk (sp?) which is basically a passenger carriage driven by motorcycle.

There are so many beautiful young people here in Phnom Penh. We saw this little boy on our way to lunch today after attending a Khmer (Cambodian) church service as well as one of the International Church services. Look closely in his hand. I think I just might try one of these treats while I'm here! One of the neat things about being in a place so far from "home" is that there are a number of culinary surprises and treats. More to come... (sorry, the internet is a little intermittent --it's also free -- so it's taken me a long time to get this posted so, I will have to write more later)

Grace and Peace...and to God be all the glory!

wearing a watch?

2009-06-23T03:38:00.000-04:00

Haven't really worn one in years but it was (insert pun here) time again. On my way...it's been a really long day already with the travel and whatnot... Hope to keep this up to date as time etc allows. peace.

Recalling Dreams...

2009-06-15T21:50:00.006-04:00

It's been well over a year ago that I dreamed I was teaching two little children, a brother and sister from somewhere in Asia who were small for their ages, how to rhyme. The little boys name was Evan (dreams always have something that doesn't seem to fit, logically). Anyway, the little boy got the rhyming very quickly, but the little girl, not-so-much. I used her brother's name to show her and thought if she could hear it, then she would understand what rhyme was. I told her it's like this, "Evan...like Eleven...like Heaven...". I asked her, "Can you hear it?". When she heard it, she understood and then had such delight in her eyes. The dream has stuck with me for some reason.

Today, as I was sitting in the doctor's office waiting for yet one more round of vaccine for Southeast Asia and contemplating the things that God has used to bring me to this point in my pilgrimage, I was remembering the dream and wondering about the little boy's name. I decided to look up the meaning or origin of the name Evan:

The boy's name Evan \e-van\, also used as girl's name Evan, is pronounced EV-an. It is of Welsh origin. Variant of a Gaelic name anglicised as John (Hebrew) "the Lord is gracious". In Celtic, the name means "young warrior". In Welsh, it means "God is Good". It is also used as a short form of Evangelos, which means "good messenger" in Greek. In Hebrew, Evan means "rock". See also Evian.

The mystic in me wonders what else there is to it.

sunday....

2009-06-07T19:50:00.001-04:00

Woke up this morning with a peace that I cannot even begin to describe justly.

...and he will be called...Prince of Peace.

Then off to worship God corporately (root corpus = body) with the beautiful church and to hear some challenging words (bring it Chris - and oh...he brought it again, recycled or not). I will miss my local home church tremendously while I am away but I am sooooooo excited to worship with believers in another land and to be a part of disciples being made among the nations...i will be praying for my church fam as my church peeps pray for me. It's so easy to forget that there are believers in other congregations, denominations, and towns, other lands, other nations laboring as one body with our Lord Jesus who is the head of the body...to make Him known and to bring Him glory. Won't that unity be sweet in eternity...

(but until then...)

...Your kingdom come...Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

Then after our gatherings...a view of lily pads and water (My hand, which looks a little strange here is holding one lily pad up against the backdrop of a sea of the same and there's a small line of water in the distance). Many great blue herons seen and other wildlife heard. And the fellowship of sisters in Christ against this backdrop of nature. very sweet.

PEACE.

yesterdays storm finally showed up today

2009-06-03T23:16:00.000-04:00

yes...let it rain.

glory to God

2009-06-03T00:13:00.000-04:00

So three weeks before I'm set to go overseas I am coming down with something which feels like that refining not by fire and heat but by affliction not that I can really imagine what affliction really is. Anyway, I had plans to be at an esl group tonight but instead my head is pounding and my throat feels like someone has taken a splintery 2x4 to it. I have material things left to be done and spiritual things too. Other things yet to be laid upon the altar. I'm getting more of a good looksee into additional (but already overwhelming) evidence that it will have to be no less than God...it is easy to fall into a pattern of self-aggrandizement but God by grace doesn't let us sit comfortable like that...and so there is Romans 4.19 - 5.11 and Abraham who wasn't freaked out by or enamored of his own limitations (and didn't let them be the level or lever of his faith) but rather wholly confident in God's ability...he grew strong in his faith AS he gave glory to God. Wow.

storm?

2009-06-02T21:29:00.000-04:00

Thought it was gonna storm....still waiting.

Brief thoughts on Praise and Worship...

2009-05-31T18:26:00.013-04:00

So, I saw this sign the other day and couldn't help but take a photo of it because it says so much, and yet probably not quite what was intended. One of the limitations of space, I guess. Anyway, let me simply say this - Even in our traditional Sunday "services", "gatherings", "masses", or whatever other name one might call it, PRAISE and WORSHIP should fill up whatever space it is we are meeting in. It should flow out the doors into our Mondays and Tuesdays and Wednesdays and Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays, too. Yes, please let's have our traditional services too - but let there be no question that praises are being sung, spoken and uttered in a multitude of ways. (I think Noel Piper has an entire book that talks about honoring God with our traditions). Let there be no question that those who gather are being awed by the wonder of an amazing God, the Lord of Hosts and changed by the blood of Jesus and filled with the Holy Spirit. The Lord can dwell in the traditional and the "contemporary". Let our hearts and lives be in a condition that invites and welcomes God to dwell with us whether we worship through call and response and Liturgy, sing "old-fashioned" hymns together , or *DCB or mass-choir sort-of gospel and get happy and dance before Him. Let's just PRAISE Him....

Facing Forward...And Other Lessons Made more Palpable by Contusions

2009-05-27T23:25:00.007-04:00

Ever done something totally brilliant? You know, like walk down a hallway while looking behind you? Brilliant, indeed. When I did this very thing a couple of weeks ago, I ended up nearly seeing stars and won a ping-pong sized egg on my knee, and a very sore eyebrow and eye socket. I planted myself into this column with such force that I was unable to speak for a good minute or two, even when a coworker (who heard the collision but did not observe it with his eyes) asked me if I was okay.

When I was finally able to form words again, I suggested that if they saw me doze off, that it would be a sign that I needed medical attention, rather than a statement about the work. It was the sort of experience that, when coupled with the passage I read the following morning during my quiet time with the Lord, equaled an aha! moment. Well, I wouldn't have minded getting here without the drama of running into the aforementioned column and the embarassment thus associated, but I don't think I would have read the words (the same words I have read so many times before in the book of Proverbs) with the newness and freshness now that I had a still palpable experience which parallels on the physical level what God's Word is saying on the every-level where wisdom ought reside.

One of the funny things that I got to note about this column that rose up before me and placed itself squarely and forcefully upon my eyebrow and knee was that I had never consciously noted that this column stuck out from the wall as it did. Had I been looking forward while walking forward, I would have avoided this barrier. This painful collision would never have had to occur, for I would have known (whether cognitively or intuitively) to step to the right another foot, or to turn at just that moment or to stop walking, then turn around to see whatever it was that had gotten my attention in the first place.

It's like that though, I've noticed, as I continue on this pilgrim's path...this sojourn. There are some obstacles along the way that are so easily avoided if we keep our eyes face forward toward Jesus, the hope of glory...If we keep the inspired counsel of God ever before us. Of course, there are other obstacles which may be unavoidable, even as we keep our eyes focused and our paths pure (consider Job and consider the other trials and persecutions that will be faced if we will also suffer with Christ)...But for those obstacles that we were never intended to tangle with in the first place - what wisdom it would be to simply follow the way God directs.

Dazzling....

2009-05-18T22:17:00.008-04:00

(or the Jewelry Show vs the Real Bling)

I’m not really a big jewelry girl. Well, let me take that back. I could spend hours or days making things with beads and string – we’re talking mainly understated, earthy kinds of things that don’t elegantly suggest “pass me down to your grandchildren”, but rather state in a raspy voice, “if Janis Joplin were here, she’d covet your necklace” or “wear me with your flip flops and dredlocks and let’s go frolic on a mountainside beach town where surfers reside”. I’m not usually the one for whom the maxim “Diamonds are a girl’s best friend” was written, but rather I appreciate the geology of these things.

That is why it puzzled me that my voice raised an octave or two and my eyes started dancing, mouth salivating (okay, I’m exaggerating a bit) when my friend and I walked into the expo center this Sunday afternoon where a Jewelry Show of gigantenormous proportions was being held. I was visually assaulted nearly immediately by row upon row of pretty shiny sparkly things. It was the shine that got me. Bling. Bling. Ring. Ring. The sparkle is how they get you in Vegas too...sparkle and jingle.

[Let me interject here (perhaps to my defense or perhaps this will seal in your mind what you already suspected) that on the ride home from said afternoon excursion, I also saw a semi hauling bright red and spot-me-from-a-mile-away-yellow fire hydrants. I was equally as taken by this vision as I recounted summers spent in the inner-city of Chicago playing in the hydrant water with the other neighborhood kids and jumping double-dutch on the sidewalk in front of grandma and grandpa’s brownstone. I digress.]

Anyway ,it was like a whole other world inside the expo center where jewelers and dealers of precious, semi-precious, and precious-to-be (as they would gain sentimental value in spite of their lack of worth on the open market) gems and metals gathered to exhibit and market their wares. Booth after booth of beads on fishing line (a crafter’s delight) caught my eye early on as I was reminded of the days when I spent hours and hours crafting necklaces and earrings and bracelets from wire, metal, string, crystals, glass, clay, stone.

I had heard these types of shows existed but had never fathomed that people really did participate in these things with all the makings *separate and pre-assembled* for engagement rings, wedding rings, heirloom rings, bracelets, anything with which a girl might want to adorn herself – yes, there was clothing and perfume there as well.

There were jewelers on sight, cleaning and polishing, expertly placing stones in settings of gold, silver and platinum…There were diamonds and sapphires and rubies....opals and garnets…topaz and turquoise and tourmaline...amethyst and aventurine. Teardrop, oval, square, rough and unpolished, single-faceted, multi-faceted…all in the span of a city block size exhibit hall.

When we left the hall (and we did not leave materially empty-handed), I was still blinded and mesmerized of course by the sparkle. But, I couldn’t help but remember a few things our Father God (who fashions and sets us apart for His purposes) has revealed through his creation and through His Word. Our God leads us to lessons and blessings and knowledge of Him... and to knowledge of who we are (and how precious we are) in Christ... I mean, think about it -- God made the materials from which these jewels were wrought, giving them the qualities that they might cleave in this way and not another...

I love the pearl that Shannon Perkins, my sister in Christ, eloquently and elegantly shared in her blog, God and Real Life.

There is so much worth - INFINITE worth - in the Word of God, in Jesus our Hope and Redeemer. I hope we will read the Word - READ, TASTE, INHALE these breathed out by God words - and be mesmerized and captivated by them…If they don’t strike you take some time to think on them, read them in context, pray about them, pray them, ask God like the psalmist did to "Open my eyes, that I may behold Wonderful things from Your law."

Thank God for them, try them on, talk to someone about them….They’re like nothing else. All the diamonds and garnets and sapphires and rubies and crystals and gold and silver and platinum cannot compare.

Like Paul and Timothy wrote -- "To them God chose to make known how great among the Gentiles are the riches of the glory of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory. Him we proclaim, warning everyone and teaching everyone with all wisdom, that we may present everyone mature in Christ. For this I toil, struggling with all his energy that he powerfully works within me." (Colossians 1:27-29)

and...

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth." (Ephesians 1:3-10)

And I'm singing Lavish us, God, with the riches of your glory. Shower us with the riches of your grace, O Lord, and we will be adorned with an everlasting beauty that does not fade.

so neat. so flute.

2009-05-08T01:25:00.001-04:00

pray day

2009-05-07T12:53:00.002-04:00

Today's post started out (in my mind) as a rant...but on this national day of prayer (thanks CJ) it seems more fitting to share something that lifts our eyes and thoughts to God rather than lowering them to lament circumstances...all of which are under the sovereign control of God anyway (what a relief).

Today, many of us in the U.S. will make a concerted and deliberate effort to lift our voices and concerns and desires and nation and leaders and neighborhoods and world to God...

Today, some of my prayers have already been and/or will be:

For mercy. Lord have mercy...2 Peter 3.

For justice for the oppressed.

For America the beautiful.

For shalom peace.

For 38 people who will continue to plant and sow and grow and shine for Jesus in a village in W. Africa.

For at least 2 young ladies who willingly laid down 2 of the best years of their lives and got to see the harvest begin there. God be famous there and among all the nations.

For my local church, my family's church, and the universal church. Lord make us one and keep us faithful.

For those who have yet to realize that God has called them His own.

For a few precious and beautiful young ladies who haven't quite yet grasped how beautiful and precious to God they are.

For some dear friends and some not yet friends.

And more...

grace
and
peace.

pray. pray hard.

a worthwhile listen...

2009-05-06T00:27:00.000-04:00

As a musician I'm particularly sensitive to sound although I could certainly be more discerning with my ear. It would seem that listening -- truly listening --would be my inclination, my forte, as it were. As an observer of things and people, having the "architect" personality construction with all of its *INTP'ness, one would think that I would have no problems navigating through this (except for the part where we INTP's tend to forget that the problems and analyses have at the other end flesh and blood people who cry and hurt and laugh and play). Anywhoooo....turns out, that while I might have a good number of the ingredients to be a good listener, those ingredients don't necessarily end up in the same mixing bowl at the same time...

When my friend asked me several weeks ago about whether my prayers on a particular matter were all *to* God or if I was making an effort to hear *from* God, I had to pause and consider.
I was indignant...and convicted...and then I got very quiet before God.

All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be competent, equipped for every good work....(2Tim3.16)

And then...the amazing words I was directed toward pierced through my questions and doubts and concerns and anxieties and pride and confusion, speaking directly to the particular matter at hand. I am continuing to meditate on these passages in amazement and wonder, believing the promises of God and hearing the truth laid bare before me. Of course, we listen not only for ourSELVES, but so that we also may proclaim this great news of Jesus the Messiah both near and far.

I want to hear from the Author of my salvation...from the One whose Word has the power to bring things into existence from nothingness. Now, that's a powerful Word (all-powerful Word). ...A worthwhile listen.

mobile1 trial

2009-04-18T19:33:00.001-04:00

just checking to see if this works...or not.

This "One Last Thing"

2009-03-31T08:29:00.003-04:00

I was having a conversation with a friend the other day about the things we seem to hold onto (and those which seem to hold onto us) and I've been thinking about it...since I haven't posted in awhile I thought I would just throw this out there, even in its less than refined state, so here it is...

Sometimes we think that there is just one thing standing between us and God, between us and being totally sold out to God, totally submitted to Him…that if we could just kick this one last habit, give away this one last possession, get rid of this one last vice, we will have “arrived”, we’ll be where God wants us to be and there we will stay forever – firmly rooted, impossible to be dislodged or uprooted from our high and mighty position at the right hand of our Lord. What is this last thing? Do you have it in mind? Have you elevated it to its proper position? Have you allowed it to be as strong and mighty as you think it is (and trust me...I'm not belittling those things that have a lot of power and strength to them like addiction and deep-seated issues from childhood)?

Okay….hold on to that thought for a second.

Now think (or even meditate) on this:

“And he(Jesus) said to all, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it.”….Luke 9:23-24

It’s got me thinking. Maybe this “one last thing” isn’t really this “one last thing”, but instead is a day-by-day, moment-by-moment surrender of self, my own will, to what God wills. As long as we are in this flesh, there will be another thing

...And if I am to surrender myself, it means that I am counting on Him to supply me with whatever I need…and not just once, but whenever it is needed...every single day.

…which means I have to count on Him (and believe it – He is FAITHFUL) to sustain me through difficulty and through temptation, to sustain me through those moments (and seasons) when I crave that which is NOT Him. It means that when I fail (which is common and often, though the prideful in me would prefer to deny this), I don’t wallow in that, but return to Him who is able to wash the dirt off of me and hold me up again, sustaining me ‘til the end…for HIS glory (and not so that I can say “look at what I did, and how good and strong I am”).

…which means that I have to believe that He is stronger than that one thing...and that He will release me from it in His time, in His way.

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The LORD is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him."….Lamentations 3:22-24

And what is it that keeps me from choosing my will over his – surely it is not my own sheer will and determination, because that has proven itself faulty time and time again. But it is God’s provision by His grace that keeps us obedient to Him (not in our own strength, but in His).

“But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, "God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble." Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you”… James 4:6

And before I get "all high and mighty" (which I'm unfortunately inclined toward) I'm reminded of Bradford's famous words, "There but for the grace of God go I".

So, now look at that “one last thing” and tell me how strong it is in comparison to the strength and provision and Might and GRACE of the Living God, the Lord of Hosts?

…just checking.

Grace.

Peace.

Cow Poker is a Road Trip Delight (or I gotta be 'random' sometimes)

2009-01-27T00:38:00.000-05:00

I feel the need to share this game with anyone who goes on road trips. It's similar to punch buggy, or the license plate game, except that one's points can only be gained from sites/sights seen on one's own side of the vehicle.

Here's the breakdown:

1 point per cow (on your side of the car).

10 points per white horse (on your side of the car).

LOSE ALL your points when you pass a cemetery (on your side of the car).

Feel free to NOT point out cows and horses on your opponents side - then again, take your risk... Feel FREE to point out cemeteries on your opponents side of the car.

It's difficult to imagine how engaging and thrilling a game this is until you have played it for 5 hours through the southern/western scenic countryside of a great commonwealth like Virginia.

Best part of the game is when the team that is winning loses all their points 2 minutes from civilization (obviously not my team) because of a poorly placed cemetery. Funniest part of the game is when the team that was losing ( my team) gets cocky about their rise to 1st place because of the first place team's loss of points and then passes a field with like 50 cows --- immediately followed by a cemetery (i.e. all 50 points lost immediately).

Okay, so it's a little sick, but it's better than cow tipping.

Variation on a theme: Try this one in Nebraska (or South Dakota), but include prairie dogs in the mix. Not sure how many points you'd want to assign to them, but leave the driver out of the game since prairie dogs require a bit more concentration to spot and count.

Meditation, Infinitude, Mercy, a Poem and a New Song

2009-01-20T23:59:00.000-05:00

O the depths of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways! For who has know the mind of the Lord, or who has been his counselor? Or who has given a gift to him that he might be repaid?

For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen.
Romans 11:33-36

I continue to be amazed as I think on the attributes of Almighty God. I think of His infinitude and I get dizzy. My mind cannot comprehend it. As my coworker says, "I can't wrap my mind around it". I think on His holiness and I tremble. I think of His mercy and I am at once delighted, and mournful as I must recognize the great price paid that this mercy might be lavished upon us. It is at once both joy-giving and sobering.

A.W. Tozer wrote that, "The mercy of God is infinite too, and the man who has felt the grinding pain of inward guilt knows that this is more than academic. "Where sin abounded, grace did much more abound." Abounding sin is the terror of the world, but abounding grace is the hope of mankind. However sin may abound it still has its limits, for it is the product of finite minds and heart; but God's "much more" introduces us to infinitude. Against our deep creature-sickness stands God's infinite ability to cure. The Christian witness through the centuries has been that "God so loved the world..."; [or as my friend reminds us, God loved the world in such a way] it remains for us to see that love in the light of God's infinitude. His love is measureless. It is more: it is boundless. It has no bounds because it is not a thing but a facet of the essential nature of God. His love is something He is, and because He is infinite that love can enfold the whole created world in itself and have room for ten thousand times ten thousand worlds beside (The Knowledge of the Holy)."

While I can clearly see that today's historic events in these United States of America are not solely or even primarily about race, ethnicity, skin-color, or what-have-you, I cannot help but make note of how systematic segregation and then desegregation was not that long ago, my own parents being first-hand participants. Forever emblazoned in my own mind are the images of firehoses and german shepherds being unleashed upon those who exercised civil disobedience during that era and the "whites only" signs on restaurants and water fountains of Jim Crow, something I am grateful to not have experienced.

I know how easy it is to take the sacrifices of others for granted. Thinking of the sacrifice of Jesus beaten, whipped, humiliated and nailed to a cross (and came back to life even after all of that), the implications and impact and offer of which reaches so much further than one nation or one people, but to all nations and all peoples...

I think about how it is possible that a generation of young people may rediscover the dignity that their grandparents and great grandparents so hoped for their own children, just as a result of seeing an image that contrasts so greatly with some of the images with which they may superficially identify -- images that have predominated in media and entertainment for too long now.

I think about the words of the Inauguration Poem (Praise Song for the Day, Elizabeth Alexander) and want to point the reader and hearer of that poem unequivocally to the one true God, who IS love....who writes the praise song -- a new song -- that erupts from the hearts and lips of those who believe, of the great wonders and magnificence and majesty of the God who sent Jesus Christ to redeem a fallen and depraved humanity that we might be able to walk in the light:

"This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin. If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives."
I John 1:5-10

Kyrie eleison
(Lord Have Mercy)

Merry Christmas

2008-12-25T01:17:00.002-05:00

Wishing everyone a

...Merry Christmas.
....Happy Christmas.
....Blessed Christmas.
.....Joyous Christmas.
.....Peaceful Christmas.
......Exciting Christmas.
........Light-filled Christmas.
.......Family-filled Christmas.
.........Friends-filled Christmas.
.............Jesus-filled Christmas.

and a New Year filled with lots of newness and goodness too.

Peace.
.mel.

Thanksgiving and the Elevator Incident

2008-11-25T21:09:00.009-05:00

Tuesday, November 25, 2008.

Approximately 12:50pm.

I get an answer to prayer through an unexpected messenger. I have been praying, my parents have been praying, a prayer-warrior church brother has been praying.

The news is bad. It is not the news hoped for. I am feeling disappointed. But it is answered prayer. It is insight - the discernment I had been hoping and waiting for. Not in my time, not the way I would have expected it, but it is the answer that I need.

Approximately 1:00 pm.

I am running a couple of minutes late for a meeting. I stop to freshen up my tea and then push the button for the elevator. I stop in the hallway by the elevators to speak with the lady who cleans our office area. I do not know her name, but we speak nearly every day. I greet her and her smile is beautiful and sweet. "I tell her, I will see you soon!" Now I want to greet her by name.

Approximately 1:03 pm.

I am stepping onto the elevator. The doors close. Immediately there is a loud crunching, the elevator is dropping, metal-against-metal, shaking. "Help, Help" Am I okay?, she is asking. And so is Rob, who is also getting the maintenance folks on the phone (This bit of information I don't know until Wednesday afternoon when Rob asks who was in the elevator with me - He says he thought the elevator was being compressed or collapsing). "Yes, I'm okay - I'm scared."

I'm praying with everything in me - aloud. no shame to call on his name at volume. By this time I'm on my knees begging God to protect me, spare my life, send angels around me...Praising Him for His Sovereignty - He is in control and I am now having to trust that with every fiber in my being because I am clearly not in control and the elevator is falling to pieces - or so it seems. My heart is beating harder than I can ever remember - I am convinced that if the falling elevator doesn't end my days, then surely my heart will explode and that will be the end for sure. I have so much more I want to do, I'm thinking. Is this dream He's put in my heart just a dream, will He let me live it out? I'm thinking, I haven't loved well.

I'm only 3 floors up (four if you count the basement) - although at some point in time the elevator manages to rise to the 5th floor -- I know this because the inside doors of the elevator open, but the doors out to each floor will not budge). I've never been on the 5th floor. This is an adventure. Jesus, you have to calm my heart. Be my peace. Help me to trust in You with everything. My very life. I'm calculating - 3 floors is not enough for the elevator car to reach maximum velocity upon an unaided descent, but it is enough to be wounded, impaled, crushed, paralyzed, killed upon impact. I'm not in control. I can't see a thing. My calculations don't matter.

The elevator rises and falls again - There is more crunching, metal twisting, shaking, dust, crumbling, gravelly sounding things are falling from the ceiling and it is now dusty. I am breathing in something that is causing my breath to catch and I'm coughing. I have managed to push the call for help button in the elevator and someone has answered. It is Betsy and she is a calming influence. "Is there anyone I can call for you", "Is someone expecting you", What is your name? We have someone on the way to help you. They'll be there very soon. I'm going to stay on the phone with you. If it hangs up, which it will every couple of minutes, I will call back and we'll be connected again automatically".... My cellphone signal works, so I'm calling my friends and family. Not one person is answering. I just want someone to pray with me. I'm still breathing prayers but I give up on anyone answering and praying with me. I go to put a status on facebook but don't want to freak everyone out and also think how sad...I want to send an email, anything to let everyone know I am thinking of them and love them in my last moments. But, love is a verb and I'm feeling like my adjectives aren't cutting it. Clearly this is a moment for me to spend dependent on the MERCY and GRACE and LOVINGKINDNESS of God Himself - no distractions. So that I might be empowered to share this with others. And then there is Betsy who comes in and out of my conscious hearing every few minutes over the elevator intercom.

There is peace washing over me. It is not resignation. It is peace. There is a part of me that doesn't want the elevator doors to open because I am having the sweetest uninterrupted fellowship with my Savior...

I am such a poor example of His love and a poor messenger of it and hoping for his grace to walk and work in him. BUT... Have you not heard there is nothing that can separate us from the love of God we have in Christ Jesus, if He is our LORD? Even if I were to die today, I would not be separated from God's love. Why? Not because of my own doing, but because of this:

"And you were dead in the trespasses and sins 2 in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience— 3among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. 4But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, 5even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ— by grace you have been saved— 6and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, 7so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. 8For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, 9 not a result of works, so that no one may boast. 10For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them."....Ephesians 2.

sometime between 1:30 and 1:41 pm.

They are able to pry the elevator doors open. Mr. Green from facilities and an elevator engineer... And within a couple of seconds I am off of my knees, upright, and off of the elevator, and directly into my meeting which has not yet adjourned.

We have got to be willing to acknowledge that we are not in control, no matter how we try, what we think. That there is a SOVEREIGN God who rules and reigns. To those of my friends and neighbors (and everyone reading this is my neighbor whether we have met or not) who don't yet recognize Him as God, as Holy, as Infinite, as All-Powerful, as a God of Justice and a God of Mercy -- at some point EVERYONE will bow to Him and recognize Him in His Supremacy. And may that moment come sooner rather than later. (Kyrie eleison ) May you be wrapped up in his lovingkindness, mercy and forgiveness found only through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ - believe in Him, that he lived, died, was raised from the dead and that His blood covers all sin -- trust him with your very life.

Today I am thankful to be alive. I am thankful for my family and my brothers and sisters in Christ. I am thankful for my friends and acquaintances. I am thankful for people around who are faithful and loving and who are an example of how to love each other and faithful to pray. I am thankful for my job. I am thankful for Betsy and hoping for her 14 year old nephew (who was having a birthday) who wants to be a doctor - that God would use his mind and hands to bring physical healing in this fallen world. I'm thankful for a godly father who prayed with me on Tuesday night (and that answer was made clear on Wednesday). And I'm thankful that God hears and answers prayers. That he has made a way through Jesus, that we might have new life, a better life, eternal life when our flesh passes away. I'm thankful for a whole lot more not named here.

Happy and Joyful Thanksgiving. Grace and Peace.

...Mel

A Little Dreaming...

2008-11-22T16:50:00.015-05:00

I have a tendency (with many topics) to think really big at first and then eventually return to either a "middle-ground" kind of thinking, or a thinking that addresses perhaps a littler picture instead of the whole overwhelming universe. It's sometimes this way with dreams and sometimes not.

I imagine the return to a logical, bite-sized piece of a pachyderm is often the healthiest response when faced with an elephant for dinner (figurative, my vegetarian friends, as the cliche goes). Is it always best, though?...because sometimes that may be akin to denying the very infinitude and eternity of the God through whom the impossible is made possible.

Do we take our dreams before they get "too big" and ramp them down? Do we take our dreams that seem too small and ramp them up?

On another (related in my mind, but probably not yours) note:

This photo is from the coffeeshop adventure from this morning's second (Excessive? Yes. )americano.

Anywhooo....I walked in this place and wanted to just plop myself down at an already full table and jump into the conversation like I was acquainted with everyone there. I didn't jump into the conversation of course (anyone who knows me knows how NOT difficult it was to restrain myself) but can imagine I would have enjoyed the liveliness of the discussion. Just one of the things i like about the coffeehouse/coffeeshop culture, in addition to the great number of interesting folk to meet...

(random) thought of the moment:

It just so happens that if you keep pouring a substance into a receptacle, that receptacle is likely to overflow at some point. Even if you pour something into a vessel that is broken, if you pour fast enough (or in enough quantity to exceed the amount/rate of speed at which it might escape, or use a material that is viscous enough to not easily leak through) it will eventually spill over.

New Traffic Pattern Ahead

2008-11-09T14:25:00.005-05:00

So, there's an intersection I've been very familiar with for years now. It started its life (after the majority of construction and paving was complete) as a 4-way stop type of intersection. I was always cautious approaching the intersection for fear that someone might miss the big thick white line painted across the road and the reflective red and white octagon which clearly states "STOP". Recently, however, this intersection has been re-patterned. Only 2 of the 4 ways must stop upon approach to the intersection. This has caught me unawares for the last several times I have traversed this crossroads. In fact, the 2nd to last time was at night and I remember thinking, "how far should I pull my vehicle up since there is no white line telling me where to stop?". Well, my confusion was magnified even more today as I pulled up to the intersection (in daylight, mind you), did the requisite stop, and noticed the car that tore past me on the right hand side and the cars stopped from the other directions looking at me expectantly -- waiting for me to make a move.

It FINALLY DAWNED ON ME... There is a new traffic pattern here. I have been stopping for weeks (maybe?) at an intersection that does not require me to stop. The proverbial gate has been lifted. But, not being certain, and of course wanting to ball someone out for not telling me that I no longer need to stop at this intersection, I drive back around the block to find any evidence of the change. And here it is... the BIG ORANGE REFLECTIVE DIAMOND OF A SIGN telling me "NEW TRAFFIC PATTERN AHEAD".

How did I miss it? How did I continue to miss it even when all evidence was pointing toward me not needing to stop here any longer? How did i miss the evidence pointing toward this new traffic pattern?

Anybody reading this -- you probably guessed it's not really about this particular road, this particular orange sign, or this particular intersection.

What it does appear to be about is this:

How many times do we continue along the same route in autopilot not noticing the changes around us, not noticing the signs put along the path, not taking into account the hints that are telling us, "it's okay, proceed" or those that tell us, "no, hold your horses". I have been cautious about some things...stepping gingerly, holding to the old pattern when all evidence suggests that I should proceed boldly. So, what is the price if I'm wrong? What is the price if I'm right?

Being sideswiped is not fun. Then again, all wise friends around me have said, if it is not right, God will close the doors. I guess I want specifics and timelines and the like. And maybe those exist. Guess it's time for another faith builder, huh?

Grace and Peace,

mel...

More good words

2008-10-25T18:19:00.002-04:00

I would be lying if I were to tell you that Montreal never comes to mind. In a week with a weekend such as this, it is all I can do to keep that city from coming to mind. I think of the quaintness of the French side of town and the international cosmopolitan frankness and slang that is the downtown with its fluorescent and neon lights. The cafe welcomes morning – croissant and café au lait to begin the day no earlier than mid-morning. I would be lying if I told you that it never crosses my mind to drown out darkness with a shroud of heavy noise and activity and fake light and whatever else might be available. I would be telling untruths if I said that I am never tempted to take a trip there just for a moment. But I know what doesn’t sustain and that certainly does not sustain.

O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water. So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary, beholding your power and glory. Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you. So I will bless you as long as I live; in your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food, and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips, when I remember you upon my bed, and meditate on you in the watches of the night; for you have been my help, and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me. Psalm 63.1-8

I cannot believe how even as I study for a class, I am still moved to the core and revived by the scriptures. My classmate has me thinking about Psalm 96.2 where the Psalmist writes, "sing to the Lord, bless his name; tell of his salvation from day to day". I am thinking now about the richness in this one simple verse. I was looking at the whole Psalm in terms of scriptural bases for going into all the world telling the good news (and all that goes with that...of course making disciples is a part of this). But my classmate's question caused me to slow down and do some more meditation on this poem and I am ever amazed at how good our God is -- and mighty to save, day after day, day to day, from age to age, forever and always...

Anyway, this is what sustains me during times like this. May God be glorified.

i-Race

2008-10-18T18:30:00.002-04:00

To those who missed it -- there's next year, Lord willing.

Lace Up those Running Shoes!

2008-10-05T06:16:00.004-04:00

It's been a little while since I've posted. I've been pretty into my studies and paper-writing. But this is uber-important so I'm taking a few minutes to let everyone know what's happening before it's too late.

The 2nd Annual i-race is just around the corner. Last year's was such a blast and I can barely wait for Saturday, October 18th for this year's. 9am Registration...10am Race Starts. The race will be at Leesyvlania State Park, right on the Potomac River.

If you haven't had a chance to register yet, this 5k is only $35 to register and ALL proceeds will go to Manna Worldwide to feed orphaned children around the world and to give them hope! Definitely a worthwhile cause. So, put on your running shoes and just BRING IT! --- but don't forget to register :)

What? You don't run? Consider donating - go to the i-race webpage at www.imagechurch.com and click on "Click to Make a Donation" for secure donation.

I've heard a couple of folks are really gonna "bring" it this year ..... HOPE if you're reading this, you bring it too.

A Cold Cup of Tea

2008-09-21T23:02:00.005-04:00

Here is my mug of Ginger Peach Decaf Tea. The tea has cooled down to a temperature that makes it not very appealing. A real tea drinker might say that one should never microwave tea, but I have to admit, I really wanted to warm up this cup of tea to a pleasantly drinkable temperature. The problem is, where the mug and plant sit is where the microwave used to be. The microwave is no longer. It died about 3 weeks ago. We have been making do, as it were. But it sure makes heating up leftovers a bit less simple, alot less quick and then there are the extra dishes for heating things up the 'old-fashioned' way (which of course, doesn't involve rubbing two sticks together or a piece of flint). It's a convenience factor, no doubt. It's not that a microwave is unaffordable. I think there may be other issues involved regarding the procurement of another (or newer) microwave.

This photo does little justice for this beautiful piece of pottery, made (I believe) by an artist at the Torpedo Factory, and given to me by an ex-boyfriend's brother. The pottery I made back in the summer of 1997 is now boxed up as of this past week. While there are a few pieces that make me smile - they feel good in the hands, look lovely in an earthy kind of way (earthenware kind of way?), the rest of them look like a kid threw them together. ( There's a culling season going on in this house and I've got some culling of my own to take care of - both materialistically and spiritually).

"...let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily
entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.
Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the
joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame and sat down at the
right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition
from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. In your
struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your
blood. And you have forgotten the word of encouragement that addresses you
as sons: "My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not
lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and
he punishes everyone he accepts as a son..."" (Hebrews 12: 1b-7)

Thirsty and Cold...

2008-09-11T23:57:00.003-04:00

I tried to give water to a woman the other day. She didn't tell me she was thirsty, but it was a hot day, and she had been sitting in the sun for some time with her shopping cart full of what may have been the totality of all her earthly belongings. I assumed she was thirsty or might become thirsty at some time without clean accessible water. She didn't take the bottles of water, except to throw them at me.

I talked to a man yesterday who was cold and had been complaining of the cold where he works for days, so I brought him a space heater - not the super dangerous, smelly kind, but one that might work well under the desk to warm one's feet and that shuts off if accidently knocked over. No worries, right? He declined. I offered more than once. He declined as many times and yet continued to talk about how cold he would continue to be.

It seems peculiar to me, this refusal of the very thing that might bring comfort and relief. And yet, it is common, and I can relate. I know there have been times when I have refused good things from family, friends, strangers out of pride, fear, sense of future obligation. There have been times when I have refused good things from the Giver of All Good Things, and I wonder what it is that keeps us like this, even knowing...even knowing. Maybe we think it's suspect, that there are strings attached, that they must want something in return. Or maybe we think they intend us harm. Or maybe, as I suspect, we have become comfortable and resigned to our present circumstances and have forgotten the joy and newness of hope. Perhaps we have forgotten that the giving of grace and mercy has less to do with us, than with the One offering it to us.

Searchlights and Dusky Glows

2008-09-01T09:52:00.016-04:00

I often see searchlights in the evening where I live. I don't know if they are announcing a big party (do the kids still rave these days?) or an open house or a car sale, but I usually wonder where the light is coming from and what I might find if I were to follow the light to its source. Supposedly, one can actually get to the actual searchlight by following the rays it puts forth. These searchlights evoke a response of curiosity and I want to know what's going on, where, and why.

As a kid I would sometimes see (way off in the distance) a pinkish red glow in the sky at dusk. My brother and I, like most kids, were curious and my parents would often indulge our curiosity (and I am grateful for that). This particular evening, we jumped in the car to go find out. It became a quest (which may have lasted only half an hour, but that's a long time to a child) to find the source of this colorful light.

I am reminded of the great star God put into the sky which evoked a response stronger than curiosity from men...this star over a town called Bethlehem beckoned men who lived far from it to follow and find its source. But God didn't stop there with the light. The light in the sky was a pale comparison to the light that awaited their discovery. This light that awaited their discovery wouldn't just draw these folks from afar -- it would draw many men, women and children to for generations and lifetimes to come. This is a light whose source can be found. John the Baptist's father, Zechariah, described like this:

"Because of God's mercy, the light from heaven is about to break upon us, to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death and to guide us to the path of peace (Lk1:78-79)"

and Jesus said it like this:

"I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life" (John 8:12)
Jesus, the light who draws people unto himself, who offers new life and living water and goodness and mercy and grace to anyone who calls on him and believes in him and puts their trust in him, is simply amazing.
And of those who respond to the light, embracing it because of the wonderful mercy of God, "a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy" (IPet2:9b-10)
This is Jesus the forever and eternal who casts even the shadows away.

Swimmingly? (and other fine words)

2008-08-18T22:56:00.004-04:00

I had the pleasure of chatting with my wise friend today. It was a brief over-the-phone conversation -- I called him up on behalf of another friend for a little guidance and a taste of wise counsel and to give him an update on the conversation we had a couple of months ago. So, while it was a short conversation, it was rich - especially when he threw out the word "swimmingly" (and he was NOT talking about Michael Phelps) ... I thought I would just bubble over right then and there. It was such an unexpected thing to hear in normal everyday conversation in this age, especially since he's from this side of the Atlantic Ocean. (And i giggled inside because it was such a precious moment and i know that my voice couldn't help but register this pleasure as well.)

My wise friend and I have an interesting and rich history with words. He introduced me to the words of Philip Yancey, author of What's So Amazing About Grace, which helped me to choose and be compelled to open up a Bible when he re-introduced me to the gospel of John -- good news that starts out like this:

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word
was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things
were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was
life, and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it. There came a man who was sent from God; his name was John. He came as a witness to testify concerning that light, so that through him all men might believe. He himself was not the light; he came only as a witness to the light. The true light that gives light to every man was coming into the world. He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God-- children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband's will, but born of God. The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.

My wise friend also cultivated a safe space for me to share my own words, even the ugliest, darkest ones. My wise friend did this because he grasps that very grace of God that Yancey talks about in his book... and, because he has an understanding of the power of words. I shared my heart wounds with him (and he responded in compassion), I shared my misgivings, doubts and fears (and he responded with understanding and TRUTH), I shared my joy and delight when that darkness started to be lifted and dispersed, and he responded alike, sharing in my joy and delight.

One night, a few years ago, shortly after sharing some of those uglier words and their root with him, I had a dream that we were seated across from each other somewhere and he had a somewhat perplexing expression on his face which I couldn't really read, so in this dream I asked him, "Why the rueful grin?". You have to know what is so odd about this. At the time, I really couldn't recall all of those SAT words and am fairly certain I had never before in my life used the word "rue" or "rueful" (at least not intentionally or with any knowledge of its definition). I had no idea what I was really asking him. It was so intriguing and disturbing that immediately upon waking up, I looked it up in the dictionary which was probably right next to my head (cause I'm a nerd like that). Ever had a dream like that?

Anyway, I stopped for a moment to ponder and muse about how the contrast of today's "swimmingly" against the "rueful" of that day (a life ago) is a treasure.

If you haven't seen it, Desiring God is having a conference on the Power of God and the Wonder of Words in September out in Minneapolis. I don't think I'll be able to make it due to another commitment, but it looks great...Piper has some podcasts out there with himself and other conference speakers to give a taste of what to expect - check it out!

Punishing and Being Punished by the Orb

2008-08-16T14:58:00.007-04:00

After Melissa and I ventured to the Legg Mason Tennis Classic last evening we went in search of a restroom that didn't require a 20 minute wait in line. After having found said restroom, we noticed a rather curious collection of large artistic orbs with a mosaic motif about them. I am often a fan of the tactual experience -- and here is the result.

sweet cantaloupe

2008-07-29T23:57:00.000-04:00

Sometimes it's just sweet that way...
(like the juiciest, ripest, coldest cantaloupe on a hot summer's day)
...and succulent...
(like the Short Smoked Grilled Salmon at Mike's American Grill )
...and meaty...
(like a good rack of ribs)

Your teeth just sink into it, tastebuds animated, expectant...then satisfied.

The Word of God, by His grace, is refreshing and gratifying and you can't help but savor it.

(Or gobble it up)

(or chew thoughtfully on it)

David, the songwriter/king put it this way in Psalm 19:

The law of the Lord is perfect,reviving the soul;the testimony of the Lord is
sure,making wise the simple; the precepts of the Lord are right,rejoicing
the heart; the commandment of the Lord is pure,enlightening the eyes; the
fear of the Lord is clean, enduring forever; the rules of the Lord are true,and
righteous altogether. More to be desired are they than gold, even much
fine gold; sweeter also than honeyand drippings of the honeycomb. (ESV)

It's hard to believe anything could be this delectable - and yet it is.

Sharpening the Lead on a classic #2

2008-07-11T01:21:00.009-04:00

I am excited to start classes in August. I'm looking forward to the intellectual and spiritual stimulation. My books arrived on Wednesday. After having seen how many books (slightly over 10) and the cumulative thickness of them, my folks began hosting concerned faces (all of these books will be used in an 8 week period, although I imagine that we will not complete each chapter in all of the books for one of the classes). Anyway, I reminded them that while I was an undergraduate (after my freshman year), I took a full load of courses, worked full time and still managed to have time to hang out with friends, date, and volunteer (a little). This is not to brag about what I can undertake, but just to say that it is not completely unreasonable or foolish to attempt this -- I do, however, think that anyone who has the opportunity to study as their full-time job should, making sure to glean as much knowledge as they can, improving their reasoning skills and experiencing community with their classmates.

Well, I'm still confident that it can be done and that this is the right move for the time being. I will be taking a New Testament Bible Study / Survey and a class on Evangelism. 6 Credits, not bad for starting off in my graduate endeavors. I'm only conditionally accepted right now (which means until the seminary receives 2 more documents I can only register for these 2 courses) --There's a cap on tuition per semester and since I'm already almost there, I figure why not add a couple more classes for the 2nd 8wk session (when I'm fully accepted) for the price of less than one (this is fancy math or in the infamous words of Barbie, "Math is hard"), or if I find that it is too much in this season of my life to take that many credits in such a condensed period of time, I can certainly settle for one during the 2nd 8 wk.

You may have noticed the word seminary in the above paragraph...Don't be alarmed. I'm NOT studying to become a preacher, as a few folks have asked. I'm quite pleased to leave the preaching and pastoring to others who are better suited, better gifted and better equipped for and called to this type of work. But, I am studying partly for the purposes of becoming better equipped myself for whatever works God has purposed for me.

I don't think the tests are scantron these days...but I'll sharpen my #2 Pencils for the journey.

The Break is Over

2008-06-30T23:32:00.002-04:00

So...I just got my new laptop today. The long break is over. This is not entirely good, nor entirely bad.

It looks like much of my data is still intact, albeit disorganized (since it was a little tough to copy directory by directory by subdirectory the "old-fashioned" way, some items were lumped together that should have been separated).

I can post blogs and updates more consistently now, but I hope to be doing more in the vein of online studies. I am grateful to have the resources.

The Break (random)

2008-06-23T23:07:00.005-04:00

I've been without my own laptop for a while now and am currently using mom's. It's "on the fritz", if you will -- these machines weren't necessarily meant to last for so many years....It was EOL anyway, I suppose. My friend hears a curious ticking coming from the harddrive(?) (I hear it too, but I like to pretend it's just telling me it's still kicking, rather than ready to expire).

This same friend looked as if he knew why my laptop was on the fritz after I explained to him how the laptop jumped out of my hands and found my big toe (OUCH!) a month or two ago.
Most of the time, these things happen in slow motion, but this one happened at such a speed that I cannot recall if I stuck my foot out to break the fall of the laptop, or if my laptop just knew that falling on my toe would cause me the most pain. Picture this: I'm jumping around like a bouncy ball because the pain is too intense to utter even a grunt, yip or cry, and Buddy (the best dog in the world) thinks I want to play...and of course this means that he's trying to give me puppy kisses too.... Oh the love of that dog.

Unfortunately, this "break" happened right in the middle of me attempting to apply to pursue online graduate study (which of course, requires consistent access to a computer with particular specs and configuration). While I've placed an order for a new laptop that should satisfy all of those requirements as well as allow me to process my musical compositions with recording software and support publishing productivity, I am currently seriously missing the flexibility of having my own laptop in working condition.

Of course, this "break" has also given me a chance to look at my dependency on things that I could live without and my time management. I suppose I wouldn't die if I didn't have a computer -- I mean, there's always the public library and there's usually a Kinko's around. But, I'm also thinking that the time spent playing around on the net and looking up random words on www.bartleby.com ('cause I'm a nerd like that) could have been parsed to other endeavors.

Right now, it looks like most of my files can be recovered, in the event that I can't locate all of my backups. This pleases me. It's difficult to remember how you phrased something 3 days ago, let alone 3 years ago.

In the meanwhile, I was searching for my old undergraduate transcripts in a storage box and instead found photographs from years ago -- pictures of friends (and even the ex-boyfriend that crushed and made pulp of my heart-- God bless him for that break -- that was one of the best things ever to happen to me-- of course it didn't feel like that at the time), photos of me out on the hiking trails and at various celebratory events with friends, photos of me beating on a drum at a drum circle (wow, weird huh?), pictures of me teaching a friend's daughter how to "throw" pottery on the potters wheel...it's been a long time. AND, I found some old writings that never made it into a computer. I could have fun with that.

I think in the end I'll be pleased that I was forced to take a little break from random surfing.

Grace and Peace --

mel

Elephant Seals

2008-06-16T01:23:00.002-04:00

Peace & Power

2008-06-13T20:41:00.004-04:00

I had the pleasure of taking a scenic drive along the coast of Lake Ontario and stopped along the way in Olcott, NY.

Olcott is a nice little coastal town with an old-school amusement park for the little ones as well as this precious little lighthouse, a beach and a boardwalk that makes you smile. Ice cream shops are plentiful, as are hot dog stands and friendly folks. The amusement park (which measures less than a city block) has a carousel, which I'd venture to say is from the 1920's, and an old fashioned band organ (there may be a better name for these, but I can't think of it right now) -- which when I'm older making them may become a hobby :-).

Although i was only there for a very short period of time, I would probably recommend it as a very nice peaceful old-fashioned vacation or retreat area.

I have a desire to dip a toe or two in each of the Great Lakes before they (or I) go away. So far I've only hit Lake Michigan and Lake Superior. It was difficult to find a good place to dip my feet into Lake Ontario although Olcott would've been a good spot for this. Perhaps, another trip someday will allow for this.

Imagine going from this little town to the powerhouse that is Niagara Falls and the River that feeds the falls , and seeing the way the water rushes so forcefully over the boulders and on to a dive of 170+ feet. I had been to the falls and took the Maiden of the Mist tour years ago so it was not a new experience for me and yet it was still awe-provoking. It's one of the Wonders of the World...

...19 because what may be known of God is manifest in them, for God has shown it to them. 20 For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead...Romans 1:19-20 (The Bible)

Curiosities on the Road

2008-06-13T20:34:00.004-04:00

There's a reason the hotel put this sign at

the side entrance instead of posting it at the main lobby and registration entrance:

2008-06-05T10:52:00.001-04:00

Tornado Season

2008-06-02T22:36:00.009-04:00

...Then he got into the boat and his disciples
followed him. Without warning, a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the
waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. The disciples went and woke
him, saying, "Lord, save us! We're going to drown!" He replied, "You of little
faith, why are you so afraid?" Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the
waves, and it was completely calm. The men were amazed and asked, "What kind of
man is this? Even the winds and the waves obey him!" Matthew 8:23-27, NIV

I've been smack dab in Tornado Country, smack dab in the middle of tornado season for a few days, watching the skies for signs of wall clouds, rotation, and that sick green color the sky turns. Awaiting hail with the thunderstorms (it was only dime sized where I was this go around), and listening for the sound of the locomotive.

Having lived in 'tornado country' for a few years during some of my younger years, I have an appreciation for the power and unpredictability of these twisters, great and small. And, while I don't envy the destruction that often comes with these storms, I do miss watching them form and dissolve over the cornfields from the kitchen window.

I miss the excitement (when they don't dissipate) of going to the basement tornado shelter, or crawling under a desk, getting in the bathtub and whatever other modes of protecting oneself from flying debris we could find (depending of course, on where we were when the watches and warnings came across the radio and television). You look for the lowest possible area with the fewest possibilities of getting impaled with flying debris (i.e. stay away from windows). If you're on the road, don't try to outrun them and the vehicle is not a safe place to be - the ravine can be a good idea, but you have to make sure to watch for the possibility of drowning, because the rain waters run quick and fast and fill up those ravines.

The way the wind moves across a prairie is astounding. It intensifies and sweeps away detritus particularly well when there are few barriers. And on the open prairie, a house, a tree, a vehicle, constitutes no barrier to a wind with that force.

It doesn't help to worry with these things, although the natural inclination is toward fear, anxiety, worry. Another fellow traveler here was quite worried about the tornados, even staying up through the night tuning into the channels for the sign that it was heading for our hotel. I felt for her. I have my own set of fears, and while tornados are not on the top of that list, there are other things that I hold onto, gripping onto any semblance of control I think I can have. But, we have no control over when that twister will descend, where it will touch the ground, what path it will take when it gets there; and, while we may be able to choose where and when we choose to take shelter, the rest is not up to us....

Psalm 107 (NIV)

Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble, and he brought them out of their distress.
He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed.
They were glad when it grew calm, and he guided them to their desired haven.
Let them give thanks to the LORD for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for men.

Journaling the Ascent

2008-05-19T15:17:00.004-04:00

Journaling is a discipline which can be considered a spiritual practice and allows for the writer to record events, insights, faith-builders, prayers, prayers answered, heart condition, etc. From a Christian perspective, it encourages the Christ-seeking/following pilgrim to take stock of where he or she is, where he or she has been, and where he or she is going. It encourages the pilgrim to know that God was there even then, is here now, and will be forever.

I have been neglecting this discipline for some time now, but remember how effective it has been at times in refocusing my attentions, remembrances, and awe on the Light rather than on the darkness around us.

Wednesday night, one of my parents' pastors taught a very good message on the Songs of Ascents, in particular Psalm 120, 121 and 122 - likely written by Hezekiah - (included at end of this entry) and the Trouble, Trust, and Triumph recounted, experienced, and sung about as the Jewish pilgrims ascended the landscape to Jerusalem, the city on a hill at festival time. Before he got very far into his message, he exhorted the believers gathered there to engage in journaling and to not fear crying out to God.

In times when there is trouble, it is good to recall the times of triumph, and to allow God to build our trust in Christ through the more difficult times. It is good to recall the trouble in the times of triumph to awaken and amplify our gratitude for God's mercy and grace.

Today, I am beginning a new faith journal and hope to renew the discipline of spiritual journaling in my life.

Psalm 120
A Song of Ascents.
1 In my distress I cried to the LORD,
And He heard me.
2 Deliver my soul, O LORD, from lying lips
And from a deceitful tongue.

3 What shall be given to you,
Or what shall be done to you,
You false tongue?
4 Sharp arrows of the warrior,
With coals of the broom tree!

5 Woe is me, that I dwell in Meshech,
That I dwell among the tents of Kedar!
6 My soul has dwelt too long
With one who hates peace.
7 I am for peace;
But when I speak, they are for war.

Psalm 121

A Song of Ascents.
1 I will lift up my eyes to the hills—
From whence comes my help?
2 My help comes from the LORD,
Who made heaven and earth.

3 He will not allow your foot to be moved;
He who keeps you will not slumber.
4 Behold, He who keeps Israel
Shall neither slumber nor sleep.

5 The LORD is your keeper;
The LORD is your shade at your right hand.
6 The sun shall not strike you by day,
Nor the moon by night.

7 The LORD shall preserve you from all evil;
He shall preserve your soul.
8 The LORD shall preserve your going out and your coming in
From this time forth, and even forevermore.
Psalm 122

A Song of Ascents. Of David.
1 I was glad when they said to me,
“Let us go into the house of the LORD.”
2 Our feet have been standing
Within your gates, O Jerusalem!

3 Jerusalem is built
As a city that is compact together,
4 Where the tribes go up,
The tribes of the LORD,
To the Testimony of Israel,
To give thanks to the name of the LORD.
5 For thrones are set there for judgment,
The thrones of the house of David.

6 Pray for the peace of Jerusalem:
“May they prosper who love you.
7 Peace be within your walls,
Prosperity within your palaces.”
8 For the sake of my brethren and companions,
I will now say, “Peace be within you.”
9 Because of the house of the LORD our God
I will seek your good.

(NKJV)

I have a whole Mason Jar full of faith journal prompts, so I don't imagine I'll run out of places to start for each day I put the pen to paper.

Shalom.

Ascending the Mountain

2008-05-15T21:56:00.007-04:00

I just took a trip to Colorado and took a short trip up to Arapahoe Basin, Loveland Pass and stood at the Great Continental Divide.

After having chickened out while driving up Pike's Peak less than a year ago, it was good to be back in the Rockies.

If you've ever tried that drive (Pike's Peak) you know what I'm talking about -- if you haven't I will remind you that the weather becomes more unstable as you ascend the mountains. It started to rain cats and dogs shortly after i got to the portion of the drive that (a) has no guardrails (b) is all gravel (c) has big dumptrucks driving up and down it and taking switchbacks like they were driving on a prairie. At this point in time, I began to have more difficulty maintaining a consistent grip on the steering wheel, as my hands had begun to get clammy and I was having to remind myself to breathe. Best to turn around and head back down the mountain before the point of no return. It would be tragic to die that way alone (or with anyone else for that matter).

Anyway, back to the recent trip: There was a storm brewing and ice pellets falling on occasion. It was chilly for May (but apparently not for 12,000ft up in May). It was beautiful. There was actually a good bit of snowfall even further down the mountain (in the 9,000ft range) while I was out there. Nothing like having big old snowflakes fall on your eyelashes in the month of May. The 18-wheeler trucks that take the road (instead of the interstate) drive apparently without fear, taking the switchbacks (read hairpin turns) at speeds that would make the average non-mountain-dweller tremble.

I'm actually above the treeline here. The air was a little bit thinner than what I'm used to.
I wished I had my hiking boots to go up the trail a little ways, cause the cowgirl boots just weren't giving me that traction -- you know, the kind of traction that keeps you from slipping off the edge and tumbling off of cliffs.

Next time, perhaps. But if I ever go hiking at that altitude again, I hope to spend some time preparing and acclimating to the altitude. I didn't have too much of a problem with altitude sickness, but I downed half a case of water and still could have used more.

The snow capped peaks can speak for themselves and attest to the grandeur of their creator.

The warning that Avalanche Blasting can and does occur at any time via long range weaponry was also a bit of a deterrent.

On the appearance of light (and decay)

2008-05-12T00:15:00.001-04:00

Did you know that some light appears only in the midst of decay (such as what occurs when fungi "eat" dying wood...) ?

I eat bison

2008-05-10T00:38:00.004-04:00

I eat buffalo, too.

Lobster Risotto:

Mystic, Connecticut

Cherry Mash:

Colleague's office.

Mel's Fish

2008-05-10T00:11:00.005-04:00

Slim pickins, 2003.

2008, Even slimmer.

The literate cowboy and the wannabe cowgirl's boots

2008-05-02T23:35:00.004-04:00

Vindication. Yes, those are MY boots. Yes, that is MY coffee. No, that is not my book.

Other Reasons to Walk a Mile or Five

2008-05-01T23:25:00.002-04:00

A great way to spend a Saturday morning (from about a month ago)... Although I didn't actually walk, I had gobs of fun cheering folks on as they walked across the finish line, registering folks, filling water bottles, making rows of apples beautiful, handing out certificates, serving alongside folks from small group and singing karaoke (first time ever, unless you count the time I went into one of those Kings Dominion Recording Studios in high school and recorded Nirvana's Smells Like Teen Spirit with Hae Jin - wonder where she is these days).

Check out www.msandyou.org for volunteer events, fundraisers, and information on MS.

Entitlement at 30,000+ feet (or a Frequent Flier in the hands of...)

2008-04-25T22:04:00.010-04:00

While I'm sure there are probably other lessons for me to learn and observations for me to make during this "season" of my life I can't help but notice that the "sense of entitlement" type of behavior and attitude that can creep into my daily interactions and thoughts, often unchecked. It has always bothered me so much when I've seen this displayed in others and I thought I would never be one who would fall prey to it (we can get into the psychology and theology of that at some other point in time, one-on-one). But here it is. I'm thinking in terms of dust and splinters vs. planks and logs now.

Now, it seems that this is mainly visible in my travel world (this, my friends, is an example of what is commonly referred to as "compartmentalizing"). That such a mindset should begin to creep in should be no surprise. I mean, as often and as much as I'm on the road, in the air, lodging in various hotels, I have EARNED the RIGHT to some sort of RECOGNITION and SPECIAL Treatment, right?. But if it's visible in one part of my life, it is probably still informing other parts of my life in not so visible ways.

This is a dangerous place to be, because, in the world's sense, I have done enough (by virtue of staying enough nights in a particular brand of hotel, and having been so many miles up in the air on a particular airline so many times) to get some "special" treatment. And when it's not given to me, I react: My blood boils when I go to the "Premium Passengers" line and the agent there judges that I don't belong in that line before even looking at my boarding pass or my frequent flier platinum card -- and points me into the line for "everyone else". My elite status is supposed to get me those upgrades and perks "free of charge" and automatically, regardless of whether i'm in a business suit or not.

But, what about when this attitude of non-gratitude and sense-of-entitlement spills over from its carefully manufactured locus into the rest of our lives?

What about when we start to entertain the idea that there's some way that we could EARN forgiveness, or EARN the Love of God?

What about when we start to think that if anyone just acts "good enough", they have automatically become "good".

What about the other edge of that continuum? If they behave badly enough or have enough people treat them as if they're worth that little, are they automatically worthless?

Do we treat others as if we are more than, better than, worthier than (because of some perceived status which when compared against Truth amounts to less than a hill of beans)?

Have we made an honest assessment of who we are and what we are worth?

What's the gauge? What's the measuring stick? What's the comparison factor?

Think about it. I will.

Why I'd rather walk than take a taxi 12 miles in vegas or any other metropolis

2008-04-25T15:25:00.010-04:00

So, I decided to take an early flight out of Vegas back home which meant that I had to leave the hotel at O'Dark Thirty (that's 4:15am, Vegas time), which of course is earlier than this particular hotel's complimentary shuttle to the airport begins its run. Being that my colleagues are wiser and choose to leave at normal people times, my only option to get to the airport this go-around (besides walking which really wasn't an option) was to take a taxicab.

Only problem is that i have a not-so-great history with taxicabs and their drivers. Here are some of the "high" lights:

Exhibit A: A few years ago, one tried to drop me off in a rather sketchy area in the "middle" of a big metropolis in the middle of the night for another cab to pick me up and how do you decide which is better: stay in the car with a strange man crazy enough to trade a fare in the middle of the night for no clear rationale OR jump into a car with another complete stranger who could be intending all sorts of premeditated, orchestrated, hellborne things?

Exhibit B: A little over a year ago, I had a cab driver begin yelling at me (this began after the vehicle was in motion, mind you) for telling him which particular town's city hall I needed to go to -- given that my pickup point was right on the border between two cities, it seemed a reasonable clarification to me. He, however, thought otherwise and was clearly offended. No matter how much I apologized, groveled, got quiet, spoke up, his anger and volume and language toward me increased in vehemence and vileness. He finally allowed me (probably only because of the intercession which was occurring because of a nightmarish-dream a family member had) safe egress, after which I chose to walk back to where I needed to be in shoes that were clearly not meant for such a trek, lest I be greeted by the same cab driver on the way back.

This morning's experience was just creepy (but somehow not surprising -- life was so much different when rude, inconsiderate, and threatening behavior shocked me): I shared the fare with a gentleman who was also heading to the airport at that ridiculously early time of morning - and this was GOOD since it meant I didn't have to ride in the cab alone. As soon as we got in the car, the driver starts talking and making what are supposed to be jokes (I guess) and mentions his wife (he's 40-something, she's 22) and now 2 kids. But he keeps slipping in these comments about how great it is to "pick up pretty women all day and all night long" and they pay him and about how "pretty" I am, and how he always had black girlfriends (except his wife, who is another race/ethnicity) and then he's talking about how bad it is that his wife will stop having kids once they have a daughter, but he keeps having sons (woe is him?), (neither of us are encouraging this guy to keep talking, but he does anyway) and he keeps talking about the race/gender thing and talking disrespectfully about his wife....then my fare-sharer gets dropped off because his airline comes up first in the departure zone and mine is all the way on the other side. Cab driver gets back in the cab and says, "now i get you all to myself...I was hoping I would" -- Thank the Lord he actually let me out of the cab when we got to my airline's departure zone. Then as I'm paying the fare he starts talking about how he wishes he wasn't married and he wishes he could spend more 'time' with me (AS IF.... -- what did he think was gonna happen - what kind of drugs was this dude toking?). Maybe he thought I'd give him more money if he "flattered" me more? Is something written on my luggage or is it just on my forehead?

Anyway, I'm back, safely, and none-the-more excited about the next time i have to take a taxi. I'm going to have to start insisting on rental cars everywhere i go.

The best way to wake up after falling asleep to windstorms and rainstorms (this is not a coffee jingle)

2008-04-21T09:02:00.005-04:00

Currently listening to: "O Praise Him", "Open Skies", David Crowder Band, Illuminate Album.

I think it doesn't get much better than waking up with a song of praise on one's lips. It is life-affirming. It is an antidote to discontentment. It is what we were made for. It's actually more cathartic than a self-pitying all out cry-fest. And, if we're going to worship something, why not the only one worthy of it?

I think I can go on with my week now.

"Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it. What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul? Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul? "

or as The Message puts it:

"Then Jesus went to work on his disciples. "Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You're not in the driver's seat; I am. Don't run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I'll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade your soul for?"
(Matt. 16:24-26)

The Fish and the Fin (or I dream alot)

2008-04-12T19:10:00.005-04:00

I dream alot. I dreamed I was in a restaurant on some shore about to order Fish 'N' Chips.

(Now, I've never been to England, but I had a fantastic Fish 'n' Chips dinner served just right in the newsprint and hot and everything in a little pub in Leesburg, Virginia about 10 years ago. I don't know if that restaurant still exists or not, but clearly that one fish 'n' chips meal impressed me and I've been on a subtle quest ever since.)

Anyway, I'm about ready to order my meal and I'm thinking about adding some vinegar, too. But, the man dining at another table asks the waitstaff, "How old is your vinegar?". The waitstaff says, "Oh, about 2,000 years". I guess that's when I woke up. Enough of that dream.

What do you do with 2,000 year old vinegar anyway?

A Confession

2008-03-28T00:12:00.003-04:00

I hoard cookies.
(not all cookies, just some cookies)
I don't share cookies well.
I'm down to the last one of the box.
I'm going to eat that last cookie right now.

I ate the last one. It didn't taste quite right, until the last bite.
I have 5 more boxes of cookies. I'll take my time before I open them.

A yawn and a chuckle - counting sheep

2008-03-20T01:31:00.007-04:00

Caution: This post is really really boring and pointless....It's my version of counting sheep....

I'm only blogging right now (babbling, really) because I'm having trouble sleeping tonight. I've been physically sick since Friday and today is the first day of the coughing portion. So I've been contemplating (28) waking the rest of the family up or not (32) with the noise that I'm sure I will make if I leave my room, keys in hand, walk past the one-eye-open dogs sleeping, down the creaking stairs and out the door (which I'm sure will whine loudly before it slams shut before i can catch it, startling everyone in the neighborhood because it's now almost 2am and who leaves the house in the middle of the night in the suburbs?) to get cough medicine. However, if I wake everyone up going (54) to get cough medicine, will I not also allow them a more restful sleep through the rest of the night, because I won't be loudly coughing every 15 minutes like some untamed alarm clock and the untamed mind that presses the snooze button too much?

But I actually haven't really slept well for like almost 3 weeks. That's no good, right? The body may begin to wear down a bit, leaving one more susceptible to ailments. The mind can become clouded; thoughts, memories, dreams (72) indistinct. Distractions abound more...difficulty concentrating and taking tasks to completion. Tomorrow I will of course want to nap or sleep when it's not time for napping or sleeping because of "today's" insomnia. It all gets paid for one way or another. Tomorrow, I will (of course) read this boring pointless post...(98), yawn...(99), and chuckle (100).

Good night. That makes about a full herd.

So long a post....

2008-03-03T21:34:00.003-05:00

So, it's been awhile since I've posted anything. So, here's the short and sweet of some highlights of the last several weeks:

(1) Viewed the Lunar eclipse (it was beautiful and glorious) - I texted a few of my friends to let them know it was happening (NOW!!!) and so I got to enjoy it with family and friends. I didn't realize that it was supposed to be occurring and so imagine my confusion when i first looked up and saw the blood-red moon. Thought of Hendrix, but more so thought of the Designer of such cosmic phenomena.

(2) Saw a double rainbow against a deep indigo sky while driving to the image facility for our Sunday morning gatherings. The sky minutes before had been a roiling yellowish color with fast moving, very low clouds. My description does it no justice. What I can say is that it was dreamlike and gorgeous and majestic.

(3) I taught my friend to whistle...You should have seen her cheeks puffed out and the delight in her eyes when that first whistle magically escaped. A second one escaped moments later. She needs to practice now. It's all about the practice. I'll have to ask her how the whistling is going the next time I see her.

(4) Speaking of practicing: Last night we had a good old Sunday evening down home time in the family room...Me on the banjo, mom singing "This little light of mine"...precious...will be one of those memories I hold onto.

(5) My friend's 2 year old son called me. Well, the friend and I hadn't spoken in awhile and there was lots of catching up to do, so I'm glad he managed to find her cellphone and press buttons unknowingly. Providential, really.

(6) Reading lots of books, finished a couple:

Currently reading:

Seeing and Savoring Jesus Christ, John Piper

The Knowledge of the Holy, A.W. Tozer (reading this in collaboration with the new-t0-whistling friend, where we read a chapter a week -give or take a month (smirk) and discuss weekly) - We'll be finished in a year - Great book, beautiful poetry, prayers and a call to view God rightly.

Don't Waste Your Life, John Piper

Finished reading:

The Pickup, Nadine Gordimer (interesting novel, somewhat stream-of-consciousness, themes of religion, freedom/liberty, womanhood, family - somewhat surprised at what the high-schoolers are reading these days)

The Idiot, Fyodor Doestoevsky (wow, they sure fainted alot back then, and oh the consumption)

Currently / Recently on the brain:

A piccolo. A ukelele. No more instrument purchases for awhile. It's almost a compulsion, sort of like the whistling. What can I say? -- I'm a fan of making a joyful noise. The guys are still campaigning for me to get and start playing the keytar. I think I'll make them wait. I think it's cool enough that we have a DJ...Our church ROCKS!

On the heart:
OneStory, CJ, Amanda, Mali and Bala's family. One Thing, One Step...Good Friday and Easter. And more, but that's for another blog.

About getting warmer: Since I've passed the 30 year mark, the cold has begun to bother me more. I'm eagerly awaiting spring and anticipating my trip to Florida. The Midwest blood in me is starting to thin, i fear. In twenty years, I'll be wishing (as many 50+ year old women do) for the cold again.

That's all for the moment... more soon, I hope.

Christmas Eve-Eve Gathering

2007-12-24T11:53:00.000-05:00

My church gathered at the new facility yesterday on the eve of Christmas Eve. It was such an exciting day and a momentous occasion. (Can barely wait until January 6th!) There were lots of children running around including a little guy who looked like he was going to break out a version of Mary had a little lamb on my keyboard during Chris' message. This little one walked over to the keyboard (which was probably muted, but perhaps not - teeheehee) and then just as quickly without even reaching a hand up to the keys, turned around looked me dead in the eye and walked back to his parents who were sitting right in front of me. It was really precious.

It was really great to see Lake and Jeremy (and Grady who smiled at me *!!!again!!!*-- it is a good thing anytime a baby or child smiles when they see me instead of screaming and crying in terror).
Rod's brother was there - good blessing.
Kathleen brought me cookies she had baked (YEAH!!!! -- they're good too)
Got to see the elusive Rhody girl - bonus!
The ladies bathroom was looking pretty nice (weird thing to post, but it is worth mentioning since Thursday nite when i went there were no actual seats on the commodes and Sunday morning there were...the guys did such a great job of making sure things were set up and nice for all of us).
Ava gave me a Cheerio *I did not eat this Cheerio, but the gesture was swell especially since it was given with a smile that only toddling Ava can give*
Gave and got a few Christmas hugs and wishes...Lots of people were there, some of whom I don't think had been to an i-gathering before.
The acoustics in there were/are pretty neat. And I just really love playing with the guys...
Tim's kids' message was fitting not just for the kids but for the big people too.
Saw lots of light and joy in the countenances of those who were gathered.

PSALM 150 (The Message)--- 1Hallelujah! Praise God in his holy house of worship, praise him under the open skies; 2 Praise him for his acts of power, praise him for his magnificent greatness; 3 Praise with a blast on the trumpet, praise by strumming soft strings; 4 Praise him with castanets and dance, praise him with banjo and flute; 5 Praise him with cymbals and a big bass drum, praise him with fiddles and mandolin. 6 Let every living, breathing creature praise God! Hallelujah!

I was a bit nervous, hands were really cold because the building was only at 60 something degrees and when one gets nervous the blood circulation is more concentrated about the organs such as the heart and lungs rather than the extremities so you can fight or flee (fight or flight - remember that one?)...Anyway, Mrs. Scott grabbed my hands to warm them up - that blessed my heart. While i didn't play as well as i hoped to or as well as i did when i practiced on my own, the music was still glorifying to our God and that's why we do this music thing we do - not for our own renown but for HIS.

Sweet Bread of Life

2007-12-24T11:22:00.001-05:00

Currently listening to:

Sons of Korah

Friday evening I got to spend some time with my dear friend Connie who has spent the last year and a few months in West Africa working to tell the good news of God's grace, love, redemption in Jesus to people who have never heard the sweet name of our Lord.

A few friends got together to visit with her and to break bread with each other for the one evening she had to be in town with us. She's off to visit with her family now so that she can spend Christmas with her siblings and parents and all the rest of the fam, which is great because she wasn't home for Christmas last year. I know it will be a sweet and fun and beautiful and blessed Christmas for them.

The photo is of her grinding shea nuts (which are used to make shea butter) with the village women.

Spots of sunshine that are large enough to nap in!

2007-12-15T11:43:00.000-05:00

So ...

My dear friend from college added the first comment to my blog and it was very exciting as it brought back some sweet memories. (uh oh...here comes the nostalgia).

I used to have a cat-like ability to find a sliver of sunshine and fall asleep in it. Sometimes the location was "old campus" on a rather large manhole cover prior to Anthropology Class or French Class depending on the day of the week. Another was in the Sunken Gardens with pet Ferrets running around, frisbee games, other sun-loungers enjoying the beauty and sunkenness. But the best spot for sunshine napping was the porch of Zarathustra's. Zara's was a rather visionary student-run coffeehouse at which i volunteered, hung out, conversed, laughed, cried, jammed with the irish/folk/tavern musicians on occasion -- frequented by Professors, students of the famed "Death" class (which i never personally took but it was really truly famed), students of life, friends of the college , "townies"...Chocolate Cows on Tap, Jasmine Tea, Straight up Coffee - the place where my coffee addiction began...Jen, Chris, John and Catherine, Megan, Janet who sang like Janis, Tess and the fiddle, Cristoff who played a mean mandolin and a mean saw too and what a delightful stage presence....Seekers, thinkers and philosophers, Poets and Writers...the intelligentsia... Zara's turned to Meridian and then a more central student coffeeshop showed up (after my time). Anyway, there was no better place for a short afternoon snooze than that.

Perhaps i'll talk about the present in the next blog...then again perhaps not.

A little Gratitude

2007-12-04T23:20:00.000-05:00

(1) for frequent flyer miles that change one's ability to have leg and arm room on a plane
(2) for Grandpa JP(RIP) and whistling
(3) for the rare moments when i can speak my mind when the infraction is in-progress
(4) for the removal of hurtful inconsiderations, if that's a word (i.e. the poll)
(5) for sweet fellowship
(6) for spots of sunshine that are just large enough for me to stand in
(7) for old friends and new friends
(8) for Buddy who can't help but wag with everything he's got when he sees me coming
(9) for Saturday and the craft cult girls
(10) for a great team of colleagues
(11) for hot tea in the afternoon
(12) for music and books and instruments and good conversation that includes all involved parties and all involved parties are present experiencing each other sans distraction
(13) for the ability to recognize when i'm lacking in the gratitude department...that which is brought out of darkness and into light can then be dealt with in truth.
(14) for grace

Good Pain

2007-11-29T21:12:00.000-05:00

Building up the callouses on my left hand finger tips again for the sake of someday being able to play the 5-string banjo with a modicum of proficiency, ease and freedom, i have to ask myself,
Is there such a thing as good pain? Well, here it is the physical giving some voice to that which is not, or perhaps a reversal in my thinking is in order. Perhaps it is the very presence of non-physical pain that lends credence to the redemptive quality of pain in the physical. Or perhaps i can't see clearly through the endorphin-haze.

Or how about things that break? The rigid shatter. But there is something to be said for re-breaking something that has already been broken but 'healed' up all wrong. Re-set the bone(s) Doctor, and get this limb, this appendage, this life back on the straight and narrow.

Note to self: There is re-learning and un-learning in order. Recondition those neural pathways. Exercise the brain muscle, the spirit muscle, the heart. Learn to love in spite of or because of the pain. Learn to love for the sake of easing the pain of another, for the sake of having been loved oneself, for the sake of Love itself. It is for the sake of the One who gave up his very life for mine and theirs. Make it an act (verb, not put-on) rather than a feeling, but let the feelings dwell in it. Make it the delight of heart, mind and soul.

Heidelberg Magic, August Rush and Synesthesia

2007-11-24T00:07:00.000-05:00

I learned a new word today - synesthesia - a concept with which I was already familiar, but it's often helpful to be able to contextualize with language.

There is a film / documentary I viewed about a year ago called Touch the Sound in which this percussionist, Evelyn Glennie who is deaf, actually feels sounds. Really, it's worthwhile watching this film to see her explain the process through which she came to be able to clearly hear what many of us who listen with fully functional eardrums often miss, even seeing sound. She collaborates with a lot of other musicians, making music using unconventional objects.

In August Rush, the young boy sees and hears music in everything around him and believes that if only he can communicate that music, have it come from him, then his parents whom he has never known will be able to find him. The theme that music is universal, and has the power to truly bring people together in an almost unbelievable or magical way runs throughout the film sometimes overtly sometimes a bit under the surface.

Anyway, there's a specific point in time where all these sounds and images came together like a symphony. For me, this happened intensely in Heidelberg, Germany where the music was really all around me in a most magical and delightful way.

The glockenspiel / carillon was playing; a work crew was up on the roof of one of the buildings across the square - the worker i noticed was wearing overalls and working with a ball & peen hammerlooking like he belonged on one of those former Soviet Union propaganda posters, syncopated with a dog running around the fountain (see the video) jumping up to catch the water at various points, and moms with their children and European tourists being led about in a group, and a student riding through the square on his bicycle. Perhaps as I continue to exercise the writing and thinking muscle, i'll be able to describe these experiences in such a way as to put the reader right there in the midst of the action.

Sea Change

2007-11-23T11:26:00.000-05:00

The sirens of the rocky coast are calling
I hear them through steel and glass
but in the mistiness of sleep
I mistake them for the
conductor's whistle
piercing
through a still fog

The first city is a lay-over
a moment of fracture
Take heed, if you will,
We were warned of this

in three days and three nights
the neon slang
paints
indelible black
in the mandala of my eyes
white-noise shroud of
pedestrians and street traffic
cockeyed lullaby

There is danger in this confusion
in this
not seeing a thing,
a vision,
a word
for what it is
Take heed, if you will

I find myself impassioned and supplicant
at evening Vespers on the third day
Le Vieux-Fort, The Old Fort
Back in the Mighty Fortress

where pilgrim voices
draw me back to
a reality
that was here
even there

I dream of prairie schooners and conestogas
drifting through fields of hearty wheatgrass
this iron sire
gallops under skies bigger than
my mind can comprehend
bellows of carbon
as sin offerings
arising
upon industrial incense

I dig my own tinder-box hands,
into the sand
along the Halifax shores
sprinkled Alberta roses and
barnacled rocks polished by advancing tides
and a wash of sand

driftwood
decorates the shores
an organic prayer

my hands
gnarled
reach higher into the
azure and cotton
above

my knees are firmly
planted in seagrass and sand

The Train

2007-11-23T11:00:00.000-05:00

It's time to put the pen to the paper again. I'm inspired by my friend, Joe, whom I run into 'randomly' (in quotes because i believe it is always a divinely inspired encounter) and his beautiful friend Annette, whom I believe to be a friend in the making for me. Joe painted a word-picture about our ability to love, how we view time and our lives using the image of a train's varient speed moving through or past a town. My recall of it doesn't do it justice, but i can relate to the train approaching depots that it was scheduled to stop at, versus the ones that were not on the schedule.

I'm also inspired by my colleague who is pursuing his Bachelor's degree after decades of being in the workforce. English Composition is a core requirement and many of the first assignments will be works that originate from his personal experiences.

The neat thing about approaching writing after one has lived a little is that you pass on a touch nostalgia to the younger reader or to the reader who by virtue of their own circumstances could not possibly have had the same experience.

I'm drawn in by the story of his first train ride. I have a particular affinity for the train, having taken the cross country scenic railroad routes a few years back throughout much of the Northern and Western United States. Yes, I think back to 2003, four years ago, and the adventurous pilgrimage upon which I embarked. Though I didn't experience the train as a child myself, I did experience it somewhat through child-like vision with wonder and excitement. Like the child, I was a little less self-conscious than I am now; shyness took a back seat and I ended up meeting people along the way. I reflect now and wish that I had taken the effort to keep in touch with people from this coast to the other. It is one thing to connect with another soul for a moment. It is entirely another to keep that connection, feeding it, watering it, nourishing and caring for it that it might blossom into true and beautiful friendship someday.